Today's giggle
#961
06-22-2011, 06:21 AM
Crazy CBR Salvage Guy. RIP
OK let's just all accept that for a few days there we all just fell through a tear in the fabric of the space/time continuim. Bit of fun, but thanks heaps to 'Enry for briniging us back on track. Bloody classic.
#962
06-22-2011, 10:22 AM
Senior Member
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to **** in the boat."
Last edited by JHouse; 06-22-2011 at 10:28 AM.
#963
06-22-2011, 10:32 AM
Senior Member
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white *****?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black *****?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your ******?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that tartan one on the shelf?"
He:"Well, that's a very special *****...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the tartan one, I've never had a tartan one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white *****, one black *****, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white *****?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black *****?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your ******?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that tartan one on the shelf?"
He:"Well, that's a very special *****...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the tartan one, I've never had a tartan one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white *****, one black *****, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
#964
06-22-2011, 10:34 AM
Senior Member
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out,"Oh my god"!!!
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, say I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident".
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a believer"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen".
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out,"Oh my god"!!!
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, say I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident".
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a believer"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen".
#965
06-22-2011, 10:35 AM
Senior Member
An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar: a quiet man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "oh bejesus begora, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a schooner of four xxxx for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a carafe of wine, a couple of glasses of brandy and a nice panatela for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drinks and smiles over at the man.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says.
"The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Australian, thanking him for the four xxxx. Upon letting go, the Aussie's eyes widen in shock. "gor riper", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Englishman, who has a terrified look on his face.
The englishman whispers "F##koff mate, I'm on sickness benefit."
There was only one other person in the bar: a quiet man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "oh bejesus begora, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a schooner of four xxxx for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a carafe of wine, a couple of glasses of brandy and a nice panatela for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drinks and smiles over at the man.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says.
"The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Australian, thanking him for the four xxxx. Upon letting go, the Aussie's eyes widen in shock. "gor riper", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Englishman, who has a terrified look on his face.
The englishman whispers "F##koff mate, I'm on sickness benefit."
#966
06-22-2011, 10:50 AM
Senior Member
CAUTION:
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
#967
06-22-2011, 11:08 AM
Senior Member
#968
06-22-2011, 11:22 AM
Senior Member
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
#969
06-23-2011, 03:39 AM
Guest
Posts: n/a
I keep feeling the same thing about every new post on this god damned page.
I'm laughing one minute, then forget why immediately I start a new line.
Glad you pointed this out Joe. Just knowing someone else has a modicum of sympathy for my pain and confusion helped me through my tears of ignorance. Cheers mate.
Steve-o, you just made it worse in a big way. I'm thinking Whisky already and it's only 11:00.
I think you would need a taller screen though. Imagine the bugs you'd pick up at 186,000 MPS. They'd hit you like photons, probably pass straight through you. Dunlops may actually be a good idea for a trip like that. You wouldn't feel too bad about chucking them away afterwards, if you hadn't already done it before you set off after you'd arrived.... or something!
Anyway, returning to core values.....
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did
I'm laughing one minute, then forget why immediately I start a new line.
Glad you pointed this out Joe. Just knowing someone else has a modicum of sympathy for my pain and confusion helped me through my tears of ignorance. Cheers mate.
Steve-o, you just made it worse in a big way. I'm thinking Whisky already and it's only 11:00.
I think you would need a taller screen though. Imagine the bugs you'd pick up at 186,000 MPS. They'd hit you like photons, probably pass straight through you. Dunlops may actually be a good idea for a trip like that. You wouldn't feel too bad about chucking them away afterwards, if you hadn't already done it before you set off after you'd arrived.... or something!
Anyway, returning to core values.....
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did
Joe , although it was yet another sheep joke mate ....
IT WAS A RIPPER ..!!!!
Think I should try that one out on kerri ??
... but a few minutes with them is one thing , BUT , sleeping in the paddock with the sheep is not high on my list of " to do's "mate ...LOLBTW ... think you just set a record for 7 posts in a row mate !!!! all bloody good though .!!! ***** !!
Now , one more question about preparing my old girl for a 186,000MPS run ....
Ok , the bugs will hit me like photons and pass through me and the bike like a bloody hot as Curry !!!!
Should I fit red pin strips to her to aid in streamlining ?
With my head light on high beam , will I , IF I am going slightly faster than 186,000MPS , be able to see ahead , ? or will I need to look backwards to see where I am going ?
AND I still want to know what happens to the me following in my past in my mirrors , will my head lights dazzle the me following as I blitz off past 186,000MPS mark...?
If om cruising along at 186,000MPS and I look back in the mirrors , and the light that allows me to see in the mirrors is also traveling backwards at 186,000MPS , will will I smash into myself ?
Should I wear full gear just in case this is the case ?? and no I will not have cases on the old girl at the time , just in case anyone confuses all those cases with actual cases ...?
Will the cop chasing my earlier self hit the wreckage if me and my earlier self slam into each other in the mirror image's looking back at each other over 186,000MPS ?
I was thinking of tweaking the timing on the old girl before I left to escape my earlier self and the cop in the run , BUT , will that, after I hit 186,000MPS and effectively go back in time cause my earlier self to have the same tweaked timing as me in the future , or will I be able to out run both the bastards, my earlier self and the cop .. ?
All this also raises the issue of what will happen to the extremely cold Bourbon cans that I will be picking up at the hotel that I go back in time to collect ...?
Will they still be in my pack? once I slow back down to normal speed to get through my front gates ?
Or will they have gone back to the original time from where they came ?
Should I try to get through my gates and blitz straight through to my fridge all at 186,000MPS risking road , gate , and post rash plus potentially copious amounts of sheep grazes from wool burns and a thrashing from Kerri for leaving very hot and quite extreme burn marks ion the kitchen floor from trying to brake in 10 ft from 186,000MPS...?
Think om gunna need new plugs and a filter for this ...?
Might have to attempt this run first though , so I can go back and buy the plugs and filter when they were only a few bucks ..!!!?
woohoo ...what a bargain... !!! or could I just ask my earlier self that I left in the past to steal them ... lets face it , its him that the cop will be still chasing !!! 
..or is it ?
To be continued ... ?
,,,
Last edited by CBRclassic; 06-23-2011 at 04:22 AM.