Today's giggle
#1001
06-28-2011, 02:16 PM
Why is difficult to solve a redneck murder?
There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
You might be a redneck if your girlfriend says shes game, and you shoot her.
You might be a nascar loving redneck if...
1. when you pull into your driveway your kids run out with a jack and wrench to change your tires.
2. when you get in your car, you climb through the drivers side window.
3. you refer to your family as "the pitcrew"
U might b a redneck if u think having sex with ur teacher is the best but there is one thing wrong....ur home schooled
You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion and come back with a date.
Q: How do you know when you are a redneck?
A: You won't let your wife touch your stuff when you die until she's 14.
Q.What does the Royal English family and rednecks have in common?
A. They both keep it in the family.
You might be a Redneck if
You've got more than one brother named "Darryl".
When you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
And last but not.........
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
You might be a redneck if your girlfriend says shes game, and you shoot her.
You might be a nascar loving redneck if...
1. when you pull into your driveway your kids run out with a jack and wrench to change your tires.
2. when you get in your car, you climb through the drivers side window.
3. you refer to your family as "the pitcrew"
U might b a redneck if u think having sex with ur teacher is the best but there is one thing wrong....ur home schooled
You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion and come back with a date.
Q: How do you know when you are a redneck?
A: You won't let your wife touch your stuff when you die until she's 14.
Q.What does the Royal English family and rednecks have in common?
A. They both keep it in the family.
You might be a Redneck if
You've got more than one brother named "Darryl".
When you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
And last but not.........
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
#1003
07-01-2011, 04:00 AM
Crazy CBR Salvage Guy. RIP
#1005
07-01-2011, 05:48 PM
nucking futs ........funny stuff very good lol
In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
The average person is half an inch taller upon rising in the morning.
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at up to 600 m.p.h.
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
Bubble gum contains rubber.
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
The world population of chickens is about equal to people.
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it to make more money.
It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
Some toothpaste brands contain antifreeze.
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Mosquitoes have teeth.
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
The average person is half an inch taller upon rising in the morning.
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at up to 600 m.p.h.
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
Bubble gum contains rubber.
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
The world population of chickens is about equal to people.
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it to make more money.
It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
Some toothpaste brands contain antifreeze.
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Mosquitoes have teeth.
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
Last edited by Sprock; 07-04-2011 at 09:10 AM.
#1008
07-02-2011, 10:26 AM
lol
just curious though , does no one here from the states take offense at that stuff ?
#1010
07-03-2011, 01:57 AM
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
I'm sure if Mark had a bath once in a while he could cut that down to maybe 1/10th
Hee Hee I'm off!!........................