Today's giggle
... but grinning all the same 
#1052
10-17-2011, 08:07 PM
Administrator - Retired
#1053
10-19-2011, 05:07 AM
The scottish cow
THE SCOTTISH COW
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland ..
It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :
"My wife is from Scotland "
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland ..
It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :
"My wife is from Scotland "
#1054
10-19-2011, 04:11 PM
Senior Member & tensioner mod inventor ROTM WINNER FEB 2013
OK, OK...
A bear walks into a bar in Billings Montana and goes to the bartender asks for a beer. The bartender informs that bear the " we don't serve bears ,beer in billings.
The bear becoming irate states "I am a bear, you cant tell me no"
Bartender says again with more authority "we don't sell beer to bears in Billings. This goes on with the bear becoming more irate at the bartenders response .The bear finally says " I am a big ,ferocious bear and I want a beer!!!!". He then spots a woman at the end of the bar and to prove his point goes over rips her head off and eats it.
He goes back to the bar and in a threatening tone demands a beer. The bartender says, "we don't serve beer to bears on drugs"
The bear says "WTH makes you think I'm on drugs?!
The bartender says "I just saw you !Wasn't that a Bar bit chu -ate?
Later that night...same bear goes into a different bar. Walks up to the bar and says,"I want a .....................beer".
Bartender looks at him and says" sure,but why the big pause?"
Bear says" I'm a bear dammit"
A bear walks into a bar in Billings Montana and goes to the bartender asks for a beer. The bartender informs that bear the " we don't serve bears ,beer in billings.
The bear becoming irate states "I am a bear, you cant tell me no"
Bartender says again with more authority "we don't sell beer to bears in Billings. This goes on with the bear becoming more irate at the bartenders response .The bear finally says " I am a big ,ferocious bear and I want a beer!!!!". He then spots a woman at the end of the bar and to prove his point goes over rips her head off and eats it.
He goes back to the bar and in a threatening tone demands a beer. The bartender says, "we don't serve beer to bears on drugs"
The bear says "WTH makes you think I'm on drugs?!
The bartender says "I just saw you !Wasn't that a Bar bit chu -ate?
Later that night...same bear goes into a different bar. Walks up to the bar and says,"I want a .....................beer".
Bartender looks at him and says" sure,but why the big pause?"
Bear says" I'm a bear dammit"
Great spluttering ball bags.......
It took me a while to work out the bat on that one but in doing so I suddenly realised I was experiencing a very pleasant flash back to some long lost hours I'd forgotten about.
I guess you'll have had to've tried the product to really get it.
Subtle **** Grendi. 100/100
#1055
10-20-2011, 04:34 PM
A Police CHECK POINT at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
#1056
10-26-2011, 08:07 PM
Senior Member
Local police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year
old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12:08 AM on Friday
night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch on his way home from a drinking session when he
decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I
thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone
interview.'
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road , picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate
to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy
his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he
commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice
an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience
until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said
Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to
describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?'
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there,
and then he looked me straight in the face and said......
"A pumpkin? ****... is it midnight already?"
old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12:08 AM on Friday
night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch on his way home from a drinking session when he
decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I
thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone
interview.'
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road , picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate
to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy
his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he
commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice
an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience
until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said
Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to
describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?'
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there,
and then he looked me straight in the face and said......
"A pumpkin? ****... is it midnight already?"
#1057
10-26-2011, 09:06 PM
Member
OK, OK...
A bear walks into a bar in Billings Montana and goes to the bartender asks for a beer. The bartender informs that bear the " we don't serve bears ,beer in billings.
The bear becoming irate states "I am a bear, you cant tell me no"
Bartender says again with more authority "we don't sell beer to bears in Billings. This goes on with the bear becoming more irate at the bartenders response .The bear finally says " I am a big ,ferocious bear and I want a beer!!!!". He then spots a woman at the end of the bar and to prove his point goes over rips her head off and eats it.
He goes back to the bar and in a threatening tone demands a beer. The bartender says, "we don't serve beer to bears on drugs"
The bear says "WTH makes you think I'm on drugs?!
The bartender says "I just saw you !Wasn't that a Bar bit chu -ate?
Later that night...same bear goes into a different bar. Walks up to the bar and says,"I want a .....................beer".
Bartender looks at him and says" sure,but why the big pause?"
Bear says" I'm a bear dammit"
A bear walks into a bar in Billings Montana and goes to the bartender asks for a beer. The bartender informs that bear the " we don't serve bears ,beer in billings.
The bear becoming irate states "I am a bear, you cant tell me no"
Bartender says again with more authority "we don't sell beer to bears in Billings. This goes on with the bear becoming more irate at the bartenders response .The bear finally says " I am a big ,ferocious bear and I want a beer!!!!". He then spots a woman at the end of the bar and to prove his point goes over rips her head off and eats it.
He goes back to the bar and in a threatening tone demands a beer. The bartender says, "we don't serve beer to bears on drugs"
The bear says "WTH makes you think I'm on drugs?!
The bartender says "I just saw you !Wasn't that a Bar bit chu -ate?
Later that night...same bear goes into a different bar. Walks up to the bar and says,"I want a .....................beer".
Bartender looks at him and says" sure,but why the big pause?"
Bear says" I'm a bear dammit"
#1058
10-26-2011, 09:10 PM
Member
Local police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year
old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12:08 AM on Friday
night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch on his way home from a drinking session when he
decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I
thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone
interview.'
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road , picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate
to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy
his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he
commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice
an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience
until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said
Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to
describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?'
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there,
and then he looked me straight in the face and said......
"A pumpkin? ****... is it midnight already?"
old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12:08 AM on Friday
night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch on his way home from a drinking session when he
decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I
thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone
interview.'
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road , picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate
to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy
his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he
commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice
an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience
until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said
Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to
describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?'
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there,
and then he looked me straight in the face and said......
"A pumpkin? ****... is it midnight already?"
#1059
10-26-2011, 10:42 PM
#1060
10-27-2011, 10:51 PM
Senior Member