A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not ****ing listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

Bet it was a Camel or a Marlboro

Damned Judge had no sense of fair play IMO

You've heard the epithet about
"You have the manners of an organ grinder and the morals of his monkey"

I've always wondered what/who is worse - the one grinding his organ,
or the monkey who always does what the organ grinder would rather be doing.....

 

Canine ability to smell per Wikipedia:

While the human brain is dominated by a large visual cortex, the dog brain is dominated by an olfactory cortex.[97] The olfactory bulb in dogs is roughly forty times bigger than the olfactory bulb in humans, relative to total brain size, with 125 to 220 million smell-sensitive receptors.[97] The bloodhound exceeds this standard with nearly 300 million receptors.[97] Dogs can discriminate odors at concentrations nearly 100 million times lower than humans can.[110] The wet nose is essential for determining the direction of the air current containing the smell. Cold receptors in the skin are sensitive to the cooling of the skin by evaporation of the moisture by air currents.[111]

 

"My dog's got no nose..." nah, even I can't drag that one out. Bloody close though

 

Oh no Dave, your poor dog.
How does he smell?

 

Who's the freakin' smart **** saying I need a shower ? ..... righty oh Hawk you are
off the Christmas list permo' man

Joe what have old factory bulbs got to do with anything ?

OK more redneck stuff (first one for my ole friend from the Lone Star Republic)

THE NATIONAL TRANSPORT SAFETY BOARD
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, ****".

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer darlin' , watch this!"



Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.

"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"

"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."

"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.

"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did." He continued,

"We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said

'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A SECRET REDNECK JEDI
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

 

Well, since you ask...bloody awful!

 

"I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," said Steve, succinctly"

 

Poor thing. Can't you bath him or something?
I guess there's nothing you can do about his missing nose though unless it's been found.