11 posts in a row, is that a record?

A wife walks into the kitchen and see's her husband standing with the fly swat in hand ... "What are you doing?" she ask's.

"Hunting flies." he says.

"Any luck?" asks the wife.

"Yep" he replies. "I got 3 males and 2 females."

Confused she asks, "How can you tell?"

"Well, 3 of 'em were on a beer can and the 2 fat ones were on the phone."


Here's one I just saw; Thought you guys might get a giggle out of it.

In light of the dispatching of Osama Bin Laden

VARIOUS EUROPEAN NATIONS ALERTS TO TERRORISM THREATS IN 2011: BY JOHN CLEESE


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from...
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed
subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."
Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"
and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

 

That must be why my wife refers to our electrician as "That Scouse Git"

And he's a ginga as well, but he does a good job and likes a bit of "under the table, cash" work so we'll keep using him.

 

Yeah, the barbie must go on!!

 

If Joe could write faster than the speed of light (186,000 WPS) do you think he'd see what he'd written at the end of a whole thread page before he'd actually written it?

I guess you're not doing much professional work at the moment Joe?

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "***** that" says Mick” have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 

Teacher: There are nine crows on power line. If you shoot one, how many are left?

Johnny: None! If you shoot one, the others will fly away.

Teacher: Wrong Johnny! There would be 8, but I like the way you think.

Johnny: Teacher, there are 3 women standing on a corner each with a lollipop. One is licking it, one is sucking it, and the other is chewing it. Which one of those women is married?

Teacher: The one sucking it?

Johnny: No! The one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

 

BP's final and lasting solution the gushing oil well was a specially made ring with diamonds on it. They called it "The Wedding Ring". Nearly as soon as it was fitted, it stopped putting out.

 

Now that is just bloody funny, top effort 'Enry.

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

 

Those are great. I love John Cleese. I sent that to my family. Glad to see you guys getting back in the act.