Mickey Mouse is in court during a divorce tribunal with Minnie. The judge says;
"I'm sorry Mr. Mouse but I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds that you say she is disorganized and scatter-brained"
Mickey replies; "I didn't say that, I said she's ****ing Goofy!"

 

This one is really bad:

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little schit!"

A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.

Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so ****ing funny when it's your Mum, is it?"

 

A new priest has just arrived and is interviewing one of the nuns. She tells him they've had a terrible time lately. First, the Germans came thru and raped all the nuns except sister Ann. Then, the Spanish came thru and, again, raped all the nuns except sister Ann. Then, the French. Again, sister Ann was spared. "Tell me" said the priest, "Why is sister Ann immune to the depravities of these barbarians?" "Well", she said, "Sister Ann doesn't go in for that sort of thing!"

 

A Scouser is a fellow from Liverpool.

A Scouser is in a bar having a few drinks. In walks a gay guy who eyes him up. After a few beers the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to speak with the Scouser.
"Do you fancy a blow job?" he whispers. The Scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the guy to a pulp, kicking him out the door. The barman comes over and says
"Christ! That was a bit brutal - what did he say to you?"
"Dunno" replies the Scouser, "something about a job".

 

An old Yorkshire chappie is out strolling, another old fella is walking by with his dog.

" Arrrhh! narce lookin' little fella" *pat,pat*
"Aye!"
"Wa's 'is name then?"
"Roger Bacon"
"Foony name furr' a doog"
"Aye,...foony doog,...***** pigs"

 

A woman wants a parrot but they are too expensive. The pet shop owner tells her he does have a cheap one but it's cheap because it came from a brothel and sometimes has a bit of bad language.
She says that will be no problem and she pays the money and takes the bird home.
She takes the cover off and the bird looks at her and says: "Awkkk" New madam! New madam!"
She fixes him with her eye, thinking she'll soon change him.
Later her two daughters come home and the parrot looks at them and says: "Awkkk! New girls. New girls."
She explains to them about the parrot and they are a bit upset but get over it.
Later the husband comes home. As he walks through the door, he says: "The boss kept me working late at the office again, dear."
The parrot looks at him and says: "Awkkk!" Hello, Malcolm! Hello Malcolm!"

 

A man wants to go to a school reunion but he has lived too well and gained too much weight. Every diet he has tried has failed and he's moaning about it to someone in a bar. The man says he has a sure way of losing weight quickly and gives him a card.

At home the man rings the number on the card and is told it costs £250 to lose a guaranteed 10 lbs weight. Being rich, that is nothing to him so he agrees and gives his credit card details over the phone.

Next morning there is a knock at the door and when he opens it, a beautiful young woman comes into the house. She tells him that if he can catch her, he can have sex with her. He chases after her all over the house, eventually catches her and has sex with her. She then tells him to weigh himself and he finds that he has lost 10 lbs.

Pleased with this, he does it twice more and loses another 20 lbs but is school reunion is only a few days away now so he rings the number and asks them if they have a way for him to lose 50 lbs weight in one day. They say they have but don't recommend it. Also it costs £1000. The man is desperate and the money means little to him so he gives his card details.

Next morning there is a knock at the door and when he opens it, there is a 7 foot tall heavily tattooed man. The man looks down at him, with a big smile on his face and says: "When I catch you girly man, your a$$ is mine."




There is some renovation work being done in the Vatican. A carpenter is replacing some wood. The new wood is very hard and he's banging a nail in and not getting anywhere. He swings the hammer as hard as he can, misses the nail and hits his thumb.

"****ing hell!" he shouts out.

There is a gasp behind him and the man is shocked to see the Pope standing there.

The man is very penitent as he explains to the Pope what happened. The Pope nods his head and tells him that this is the House of the Lord and he should not swear there. If he hurts himself again, he should instead say: "Jesus save me".

The man nods a lot and the Pope leaves.

Later the man is sawing some wood and he hears a sound nearby. He looks out of the corner of his eye and sees the Pope coming towards him. But he isn't looking at what he is doing and the saw slips and cuts his thumb off, which drops onto the table.

"Jesus save me!" gasps the carpenter.

At this, the thumb jumps up off of the table and back onto the man's hand, instantly healing in place as though it had never been cut off.

The Pope sees this and shouts: "****ing hell!"

 

Paddy and Shaun feel like a good booze up but they've only got 50p between them. But Paddy has an idea. He buys a hot dog with the money and explains to Shaun.

They go into a pub and down several pints then Paddy unzips his flies and Shaun bends down and produces the hot dog from Paddy's flies and sucks on it.
The barmen calls them dirty bastards and throws them both out.

They congratulate each other and go onto the next bar and pull the same trick with the same result. Six bars later and Shaun says he's had enough. Why, asks Paddy. He's still got room for some more booze. Shaun says he has too but he thinks they lost the hot dog a few bars back.

 

A pair of newlyweds on their honeymoon. The first night the groom asked: "Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?"

She looked up at him and said; "Why does everybody always ask me that?"


A man was married to a very jealous wife. He came home one night and though she searched his coat, she could find no unfamiliar hairs on it so she screamed at her husband; "God, only you would cheat on me with a bald woman."


Two old women waiting at a bus stop and it starts raining. One puts out her cigarette, the other takes a condom out of her pocket and cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and carries on smoking. A little later, the bus comes along and as they are heading into town, one of the old women asks the other what that was that she put over her cigarette. The other woman tells her it's a condom and that pharmacies sell them.

Later when she's wandering around town, she sees a pharmacy and goes inside and asks for some condoms. The man at the counter is a little surprised that such an old lady wants condoms but asks her what size she wants. She thinks for a moment and then replies: "One that would fit over a camel."

An old woman goes to the doctors complaining about a bad discharge. The doctor says"get up on the bed and remove your under wear". Which the old dear does. The doctor starts to finger and feel all around her genital area. He says"I cant find any sign of discharge but you get very wet down below". The old dear says "I know I am really soaking". When are you going to look at my ear?

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"