Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Bike wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

 

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

 

Distinction between Guts and *****

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a
medical distinction between Guts and *****. We've all heard about people
having Guts or *****, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?'

***** - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt
and having the ***** to say, 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

 

So my wife and I were out shopping in the local mall a couple of days ago and got seperated when I got bored waiting outside some clothing shop. I went up to this pretty little blonde chick and said

"Excuse me, I appear to have lost my wife in the mall, would you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?"

She said "Surely if you've lost your wife, you'd just be better off going to the mall office and getting a call put out?"

"No, whenever I start talking to a chick with t!ts like yours she'll turn up in about thirty seconds"

 

Reminds me of when I was young and couldn't get any help from the sales people at a store, I finally figured out if I started acting shifty, looking around furtively, and fingering the merchandise someone would immediately say "May I help you?" thinking I was about to shoplift.

Here's my funny: http://www.twistedunicorn.com/sounds...onaldduck.html

 

Found this in my email today.

 

Obvious, but.................
what a load of bull.................

A biker stops by the local bike Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

 

HA!

 

One for our Aussie friends................

Animals don't talk

• While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .
• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
• Dog: "Doing' alright."
• Farmer: Look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.
• Dog: "Yep."
• Biker: "How does he treat you?"
• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."
• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
• Horse: "Cool."
• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
• Biker: "How's he treating you?"
• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
• Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."

 

and one for Sprock and Dave the Pom and all you other IT boffins

What if Motorcycles were made by:

If IBM made motorcycles...
They would want one big bike that people can ride if they first submit (for overnight processing) a request to use the resources. Thousands of other users could use the bike at the same time due to its ability to efficiently schedule use of the major components. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe, six motorcycles.

If Radio Shack made motorcycles...
The staff would sell you a bike, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own bike!

If Oracle made bikes...
They'd claim their motorcycle was compatible with all types and styles of riders, but when you got it home you'd discover the Cruising Engine was still in development, the Short Rider's Support Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole thing was just blowing smoke (Hey! Like an old Harley!).

If Sun Microsystems made motorcycles...
The oil would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make bikes?...
They made good motorcycles in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made motorcycles...
They would market the Reverse Polish Gear Shift Procedure, which requires the driver to shift gears with his right hand, engage the clutch with his left foot, brake with left hand and right foot.

If Cray made motorcycles...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other motorcycle in the world.

If Sony made motorcycles...
The BikeMan, which would be barely larger than a skateboard, can be conveniently attached to your belt (whether you're using it or not).

If Price Club/CostCo made motorcycles...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course: if Microsoft made motorcycles...
Motorcycle '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a pair of reinforced steel wheels), would offer a 'plug and drive' way to connect new add-ons to your bike (chrome, J&M radios, Widder electrics, etc. would all be easily added to your bike's operating system registry), take up 95% of the space in your garage, would claim to be the first bike that lets you control how how much fuel is mixed with air while the engine is running without knowing any special skills, and would secretly interrogate your other vehicles to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft motorcycles, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good add-ons from J&M, Big Bike, Show Chrome, Markland et al. only work with Microsoft motorcycles.