Joe, that's a frigging belter mate. Made me spit the sacred beer.
Pete, you should be ashamed....but I like it... te he

I'm just grinning..... high on life generally
Still trying to get over Dave's blind masturbation contest. Best one I've heard in a long time.

There's always this......

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

 

 

I haven't see "******" in a long time. Time to re-screen.

 

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

An optimist looks at a glass as half full.

The pessimist looks at the glass as half empty.

The engineer says you have twice as much glass as you need.

 

Neither have I, my wife says we're far too old to have the light on.

 

The scary part is when it looks back and hisses.

 

Nope, Joe, that's
"Trouserius expectoris"

The dreaded "spitting trouser snake".


Probably looking to ****** and grab some unsuspecting ****** when least expecting it.

...oooooops......

 

OOOOOOOOOOOOH, so THAT'S why I'm so confused on dates.

 

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."