I fn love Tommy Cooper Jokes ....... the man was a legend Henry

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'


A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'


I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.


I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'


I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.


Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'


So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'


Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'


And Henry ........look ....... I managed to put 'em all in one post too hee hee hee

 

Yeah yeah.... I know. I was only going to post up the once Mark, but....... one joke leads to another and it'd be unfair not to share.....
Love your selection though. Good stuff!

Here's one for ya....

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery'

'What's dat' says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut'

 

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.


3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.


9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


13. Glibido: All talk and no action.


14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:


1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.


3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. *****-nilly, adj. Impotent.


6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.


7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.


11. ********, n. A humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.


14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms


15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


16. Circumvent, n . An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra, FL , exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land.. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.
Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying:
"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one."
The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
"Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again: "Take another practice swing."Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited ..
A long silence followed ... Then the voice again:
"Use the old ball."

 

here is the green for the forgiener's

 

Joe,
that's fkn funny. Made me loosen some crap outta my nose anyway. Cheers man.
Indy, thanks for the pic. We stand enlightened. I still don't want to play though.

 

What's the difference between golf and skydiving???





With golf it's WHACK ..................F..K





With skydiving it's F.....CK ..........................WHACK

 

Two good ones Guys , Joes golf one .....oh so subtle

The Kiwi's flat out funny

One for Steve the Farmer

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
young rooster rushes in and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
byt lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed
anymore,now he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is
screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and sees
the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it,
you horny bastard!"
The young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says,............
Shhhh!,they are about to land."

 

**** me mark,
m'false teeth need levering out of me screen after that. Bloody ace joke.