This isn't a joke, just something I heard on the radio this morning. Apparently it was included in a speech at somebodies 21st.

Gross content warning!! Don't read this over lunch!

Three teenage girls were camping out together and had their first alcoholic drinks. One had to go for a number 2 and went out in the darkness to do her business. Unfortunately, she was inexperienced in these matters and stepped in her own mess without realising.

Here's where it gets really ugly! She went back into the tent spreading it around all over the place before she realised and one of the other girls was so offended that she threw up. The third girl then laughed so hard that she pi55ed herself!

What a party! Sorry guys, but I found this hilarious so had to share.

 

You can't say you weren't warned Steve!

I just pictured the aftermath when they took stock of the situation. I can imagine their parents "so why, exactly, did you burn the tent and all your sleeping gear?". Bloody gold material for a birthday speech.

 

The Husband store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and Are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

 

A bit of classic Tommy Cooper for ya....

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

 

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy's heading for a breakdown.’

Fck me they just keep getting better, although....... my underpants aren't thinking along those lines

 

Last one tonight.....

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?