A friend said," my wifes an angel" I said "your lucky mine is still alive".

 

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the ****ing jar open"

 

Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "**** you, towel head."

 

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that they had enough kids. So, the husband and wife went to the doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told them that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was more expensive than they could afford. The doctor knew the family didn't have much money, so he proceeded to tell them about an alternate treatment.
The doctor instructed the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Arkansas man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor told him that was the cheapest alternative he could think of, and the man was still not satisfied.
So, the couple drove to Texas to get a second opinion. The Texas physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed on the form that they were from Arkansas.. (And the income range block on the form was filled in with the words "what's income.") So this doctor also proceeded to tell them about an alternate method of treatment. He told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, stopping to buy a cherry bomb along the way. When he got home, the man lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

A young blonde woman in liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps
a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night,
the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and
they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered
by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Ferry"

 

A blonde who’s having financial troubles decides to kidnap a child for ransom. She writes on a piece of paper: “I’ve kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. The Blonde.” She walks over to the park, grabs a little boy, pins the note to his jacket, and tells him to run home.

The next morning, the blonde goes back to the park, where she sees the boy standing behind the oak tree.

“I’m supposed to give you this,” he says, handing her a brown bag. As she counts the money, she notices a new note pinned to his jacket: “my son says your blonde, I can’t believe that one blonde would do this to another.”

 

Go Jhouse.

I think you may well have managed to offend all sensibilities, ethnic groups and sexual persuasions there, it gives us something all to aspire to.

Don't forget mate; 95% of lawyers are giving the good ones a bad name.

 

Obviously I found web site. So I've been cheating. These are NOTHING compared to what is there. These are the tame ones. I usually just post up stuff friends send me, but some of these were too good, especially for the direction we were going recently. And there are 100+ pages of them, and I'm only on page 16, but its like crack. So another.

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically,"What's the ****s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and ****ed a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my Son !!"

 

I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl at that one