And of course there's that all time classic:

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE:

Size 22, never been worn.

 

Two men walk into a bar and the bartender ask them what they want.

The first man says to the bartender, "I'll have H2O".

The second man says, "I'll have H2O too".

The second man died.

 

Ah... sneaky chemistry...

 

Nice...nerdy,but nice

Here's anothery;



A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose.

A young student nurse appears to give
him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my ********* black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again,
"Nurse, please check for me. Are my ********* black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure
and heart rate from worrying about his *********,
she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood
in one hand and his ********* in the other.

She looks very closely and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"


Cheers lads,

Dave.

 

A tourist walked into a Whitby curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat,
You can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Newcastle supporter, and anything French!'

 

Two Kiwi's are sitting out side a dairy having a coffee and one looks up from his paper with a puzzled look and say's "What's a Hindu?"






His mate says "Lays eggs bro"

 

^ As little as possible?

Edit (new day, different joke):

A guy walks into a barber shop and asks, "Bob Peters here?"

Barber replies, "Nope, just hair."

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like
some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit
juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about
a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe
a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra.
I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up?...I'm starving."

 

^ WOW! I didn't see that one cuming. LOL

 

hah ..... good one