Today's giggle
#72
07-28-2009, 02:05 PM
One from the Firehouse
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
#73
07-30-2009, 09:11 AM
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
#74
08-01-2009, 01:59 PM
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
#76
08-04-2009, 05:00 PM
#78
08-12-2009, 02:58 AM
Next time you have
a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana .. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest.
Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week
I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately
at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of
the sea.
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is
quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, it heats it
to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which
is taped to
the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down
the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was
going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I
scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my *** started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.. In agony I
realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish
and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it, however, the
crack of my *** was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ***.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all
laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive ... I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin
my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As
I climbed out
of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of
cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ***
was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ***.
Now repeat to yourself ... 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana .. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest.
Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week
I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately
at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of
the sea.
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is
quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, it heats it
to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which
is taped to
the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down
the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was
going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I
scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my *** started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.. In agony I
realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish
and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it, however, the
crack of my *** was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ***.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all
laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive ... I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin
my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As
I climbed out
of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of
cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ***
was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ***.
Now repeat to yourself ... 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
#79
08-12-2009, 12:19 PM
#80
08-13-2009, 10:08 AM
Administrator - Retired
Man, that would certainly suck...
Funny though...
Here is a kinda funny story (not as funny as the jellyfish...but)...
My dad was going to a job site a couple weeks ago, and when he went to rent a pickup truck, they were all out. All they had left was a PT Cruiser...lol..
So he got it, and began loading it with tools and a 20ft extension ladder. Well, somebody pulled out in front of him on the way to the jobsite, so he had to slam on the brakes, which sent the ladder through the windshield of the car.
So... he had to find a place to replace the shield, which he did. However, he's supposed to get approval for any charges on the corporate card that are over $300 and he didn't really want to let anyone know what happened. The bill was $329. Soo... he had them split the bill into parts and labor, and then charged the 2 separate bills. Well when it came through on the credit card, the charges were put back together and showed as $329 and he got a nasty email from the HR department, and now he's supposed to give a detailed explaination of the charges, and why he needed a new windshield.. LOL..
Funny though...
Here is a kinda funny story (not as funny as the jellyfish...but)...
My dad was going to a job site a couple weeks ago, and when he went to rent a pickup truck, they were all out. All they had left was a PT Cruiser...lol..
So he got it, and began loading it with tools and a 20ft extension ladder. Well, somebody pulled out in front of him on the way to the jobsite, so he had to slam on the brakes, which sent the ladder through the windshield of the car.
So... he had to find a place to replace the shield, which he did. However, he's supposed to get approval for any charges on the corporate card that are over $300 and he didn't really want to let anyone know what happened. The bill was $329. Soo... he had them split the bill into parts and labor, and then charged the 2 separate bills. Well when it came through on the credit card, the charges were put back together and showed as $329 and he got a nasty email from the HR department, and now he's supposed to give a detailed explaination of the charges, and why he needed a new windshield.. LOL..