Today's giggle
#1041
#1042
#1043
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Al and Jimmy.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Al says, "Well, shucks, somebody's gotta go and tell his wife."
Jimmy says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Jimmy comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Al says, "Where'd you git tha beer, Jimmy?""Cooter's wife give it to me", Jimmy replies.
"That's unbelievable", says Al. "You told tha lady her husband is dead, and she gives you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly", says Jimmy. "When she answered tha door,I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken... I ain't no widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet ya a case of Budweiser ya are."
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Al says, "Well, shucks, somebody's gotta go and tell his wife."
Jimmy says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Jimmy comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Al says, "Where'd you git tha beer, Jimmy?""Cooter's wife give it to me", Jimmy replies.
"That's unbelievable", says Al. "You told tha lady her husband is dead, and she gives you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly", says Jimmy. "When she answered tha door,I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken... I ain't no widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet ya a case of Budweiser ya are."
#1045
Payday
A man left from work one Friday afternoon but it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?". He replied, 'That would be fine with me".
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A man left from work one Friday afternoon but it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?". He replied, 'That would be fine with me".
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
#1046
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Republic of Boon Island
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A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said no.
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said no.
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
#1047
Not realy a joke but it made me chuckle, shows how laid back people can be while riding thier bike.......
Motorcycle stunt by old man - Funny Chinese video - YouTube
Motorcycle stunt by old man - Funny Chinese video - YouTube
#1048
Ol' Blue
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half-way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money so he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out and the boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a beach before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out and the boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a beach before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
#1050
OK, OK...
A bear walks into a bar in Billings Montana and goes to the bartender asks for a beer. The bartender informs that bear the " we don't serve bears ,beer in billings.
The bear becoming irate states "I am a bear, you cant tell me no"
Bartender says again with more authority "we don't sell beer to bears in Billings. This goes on with the bear becoming more irate at the bartenders response .The bear finally says " I am a big ,ferocious bear and I want a beer!!!!". He then spots a woman at the end of the bar and to prove his point goes over rips her head off and eats it.
He goes back to the bar and in a threatening tone demands a beer. The bartender says, "we don't serve beer to bears on drugs"
The bear says "WTH makes you think I'm on drugs?!
The bartender says "I just saw you !Wasn't that a Bar bit chu -ate?
Later that night...same bear goes into a different bar. Walks up to the bar and says,"I want a .....................beer".
Bartender looks at him and says" sure,but why the big pause?"
Bear says" I'm a bear dammit"
A bear walks into a bar in Billings Montana and goes to the bartender asks for a beer. The bartender informs that bear the " we don't serve bears ,beer in billings.
The bear becoming irate states "I am a bear, you cant tell me no"
Bartender says again with more authority "we don't sell beer to bears in Billings. This goes on with the bear becoming more irate at the bartenders response .The bear finally says " I am a big ,ferocious bear and I want a beer!!!!". He then spots a woman at the end of the bar and to prove his point goes over rips her head off and eats it.
He goes back to the bar and in a threatening tone demands a beer. The bartender says, "we don't serve beer to bears on drugs"
The bear says "WTH makes you think I'm on drugs?!
The bartender says "I just saw you !Wasn't that a Bar bit chu -ate?
Later that night...same bear goes into a different bar. Walks up to the bar and says,"I want a .....................beer".
Bartender looks at him and says" sure,but why the big pause?"
Bear says" I'm a bear dammit"