^^ haha! Nice, Mark....

I did a story in college as an oral presentation that went something like this:

A boy and his father go out fishing every day to make a living. At the end of each day, the boy is asked by his father to deliver their biggest fish to the town priest. After weeks of doing this, the boy finally asks the priest why he never pays the 35cents for his fish like the other people do. The priest takes the boy inside and says he's going to teach him a lesson about morals. The priest sets a quarter, fifty cents, and a dollar out on a table and says to the boy: "You have a choice of how much money to take. If you take the dollar, you will go to hell. If you take the fifty cents your soul will be trapped in purgatory....but, if you take the quarter you will surely go to heaven!!"
So the boy thinks for a second..... grabs all the money and says: "Now I can go wherever the **** I want to."

 

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."






"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."






The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

 

^^ Ha!

While I'm here, I'll tell one that i heard when I was a kid...

Q: How many ears did Davey Crockett have?

A: 3 - A right ear, a left ear, and a wild front ear.

 

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.

As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.

The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."

About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.

So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.

They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.

Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"

The hitman replies, "Sure."

So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"

This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit.

The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

Jack responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the *****, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.

He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?

The hitman replies, "Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

 

Yesterday's giggle.....

This kid at work has been talking about getting a bike for a while now, and I tried to talk him into getting a CBR600 or something similar.
Instead, he listens to the other guys I work with and buys a Harley Davidson because they say that "jap bikes are junk" etc. (blah blah blah)

Yesterday, I rode my KLR and he rode his mid 90's HD Evo.
We decide to ride out to lunch, and he's complaining that the exhaust sounds like crap and it doesn't seem to be running right. I reply with "It's a POS Harley, what do you expect?"
On the way back from lunch, I take off on him and he gets back to work like 6mins after me. As he's pulling into the parking lot, I notice that it sounds like complete CHIT.
I take a look at it and....... Blown Head Gasket!!!

 

POS Harley - figures.
Shoulda bought some Japcrap instead - they last longer and are faster....hehe

 

MEGA LOL.............. funny as all hell

Musta blown it trying to catch you schrapnel !

 

Oh yeah... you can about imagine the fun I've been having with this, too.
"Why didn't you ride your new bike today, man?" LOL...
I've also been calling it a "lifestyle" that us Jap riders don't understand...
And to add even more insult, he had just bought a $350 Harley jacket the day before the "big pop".

It's all good, though, because he informed me the other day that "Once he got the head off, the pistons looked bigger than stock"