Jezuz....................no more .................

Is it possible to ban hiz *** from a this thread for a few days

Maineiack.................only actual funny jokes allowed man .....lol

 

ha ha ha, now that was really funny ha ha ha.

 

Fck me Jo! The restaurant joke near killed me!

 

The lighter side of "Big Brother's watching you"



Operator: "Thank you for calling Scooter's Pizza. May I have your ..."

Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator : "Can I have your cell number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eish ....., hold on .....eh.... 082-266-2566 .."
Operator : "OK... you're .... Mr Hawkman and you're calling from 17 Retief Street . Your home number is 011-403 2366, your office 011-764 2302 and your mobile is
082 266 2566. I see you are calling from your girlfriend's home. Does your wife know you are there?

Customer: "How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the System Sir."

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."

Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol levels, Sir."

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the Library last week Sir."

Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for yourself and your girlfriend's family of 10, Sir. The total is R149.99!

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank R5 720.55 since June last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawals today."

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ...."

Customer: "What!"
Operator : "According to the details in the system, you own a Nissan Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 132 GP ....."

Customer: " **** off, man.
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on the 15th July 1987? You were convicted for using abusive language to a policeman. I need not tell you what happened to you at Holloway Prison"

Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing ...... by the way ... aren't you giving me those 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic ... "

Customer: "Please cancel the order, my girlfriend will have to cook ...."

 

Hey Pete , we may laugh , but the scary thing is , it 'aint that far from the truth

 

That's how all the crime shows make it look. I hope that's all BS.

 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your *** in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."



BUT THIS HERE IS THE ONE

There are 3 dogs in a veterinarian clinic: a Poodle, a Chihuahua, and a Great Dane.
The poodle asks the Chihuahua," What are you in here for?" The Chihuahua says," Well usually I’m a good dog...but I have a huge problem with my mail man. I don’t know why, I just always have to bite him, and I gave him a serious injury. So... they’re going to put me to sleep today. What are you here for?" he asks the poodle.

The poodle says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but my owners son always sticks his finger in my food while I'm eating. And when he does that...I just got to bite him I don’t know why. And I really hurt him. So there going to put me to sleep today."

The two dogs look at the Great Dane, and the Great Dane is like 20 times bigger than them. And they ask," DAMN MAN!!! What are you in here for? You never see Great Danes in the pound." And the Great Dane says," Awwww, you guys wouldn't believe me if I told you." And they said, "JUST TELL US!"

So the Great Dane says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but you see I have like the hottest owner in the world. She’s a beautiful woman with a HOT RACK and SEXY ***. One day when she got out of the shower, she bent over to get a towel. When she did, I totally lost all self-control. So I mounted her and started GOING AT IT!!!"

The two dogs say, "DAMN MAN!!! So they’re going to put you to sleep too huh???” And the Great Dane replies, "HELL NO, I'M JUST HERE TO GET MY NAILS TRIMMED!"

hee hee hee

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

 

ha ha ha ha thats so good!!!!!!! beats peeing on an electric fence huh?

 

I'm rewirin' the bedroom tonight!