A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

EXCELLENT !
hehehe

 

That last batch was good.

I take that NASCAR Onion personally though.

 

^^ I already posted that one, sprocketman. It's what House is talking about.

Get with the program....



cb2cbr, that joke was funny, BTW....

 

So there's this Australian bloke in the outback lookin' after his sheep , no names mentioned , but he's a Classic type of guy.

Been out there for weeks and hasn't had a cold beer or a Sheila the whole time and he's gettin kinda desperate . So desperate in fact , he's got his eye on one particular ewe . You know the type , luxurious fleece , cheeky little smile , come to bed eyes......... Ste....I mean this bloke , can't keep his eyes off her!!

So he gets her to one side and one thing leads to another and he's behind her with her tail in one hand and his plumbers tool in the other , just about to do the business and she takes a step foreward! He gets into position again and the same thing happens , again ! Again and again he tries , but is frustrated at every attempt.

Then he hears a noise in the distance , it's a car , not running too well by the sound of it and around the corner the car appears and grinds to a halt. Out steps this beautiful young woman , she looks this bloke up and down and says.

'G'day mate , I see you got your tool at the ready . You help me with my car and I'll help you with anything you want!'

So Ste.... I mean this bloke says.

'It's no good I'm too desperate , the car will have to wait ! I need to make mad passionate love right now! Quick! Hold this sheep for me!!'

 

Here's one that helps me through my day often...



Good joke Hawk.

 

^^^^^^^^Love it Henry!!

 

It's the statement of statements. Nothing I've ever heard cuts to the punch line so quick. Damned near had a hernia when I first saw that.

Another real life peice of amusement happened last weekend when I had a rather 'jack the lad' plumber turn up on site.
He announced that after a coffee and a quick look round the job he had to nip off to release a 'chocolate hostage'.
Another day's laughter......