nate my dog left this for you this morning I wanted to make sure you saw it before it went out in the mail

 

Ask the man for one more merge ...... somethings still outta whack

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing
Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly..

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

 

Because I'm a Nate, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask...

 

Son asks, 'Dad, what's the difference between theoretical and practical?'

Father 'OK son go ask your mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks'

Son returns and says, 'She said yeah, no problem.'

Father,'Now go ask your sister the same question'

Son returns with the same answer to the question.

Father, 'Now go ask your elder brother the same question again'

Son, 'He said he'd do it for a million bucks so long as it was a secret'.

Then the dad tells his son, 'You see it's like this, theoretically we're a normal happy family, but in practical terms we're livin' with two ***** and a queer!'

 

Hawk - father knows best! Good-en.

 

 

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

 

Nice one Tim!

Err........... now can I have 5 bucks to get my pants cleaned