Today's giggle
#1711
01-12-2016, 04:59 PM
#1712
01-21-2016, 01:49 PM
A baker's dozen
1. After a night of
drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a
really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home
safely.
2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in
mind.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics
after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled
LSD?"
Granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?"
>>>
>>> 5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby,
>>> "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up
and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"
6. My wife's back on the
warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all
I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
7. I've accidentally
swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I
spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.
9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife
were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once
she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought,
"Screw it, soldier on!"
10. I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was
wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen
floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I
remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00.
11. Bought the
missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
12. The other night,
my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All
the others kept me awake all night!"
13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door,
she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a
really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home
safely.
2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in
mind.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics
after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled
LSD?"
Granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?"
>>>
>>> 5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby,
>>> "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up
and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"
6. My wife's back on the
warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all
I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
7. I've accidentally
swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I
spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.
9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife
were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once
she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought,
"Screw it, soldier on!"
10. I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was
wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen
floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I
remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00.
11. Bought the
missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
12. The other night,
my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All
the others kept me awake all night!"
13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door,
she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
#1713
01-28-2016, 03:04 PM
Super Moderator
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
I have Alzheimers
Cheese on toast
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name..............
"Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought, then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge, then he gave her a Boost.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got bl**dy Allsorts!
Cheers, SB
Violets are Blue
I have Alzheimers
Cheese on toast
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name..............
"Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought, then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge, then he gave her a Boost.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got bl**dy Allsorts!
Cheers, SB
#1715
02-07-2016, 04:15 PM
Super Moderator
Join up now!
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys.
I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Cheers, SB
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys.
I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Cheers, SB
Last edited by Sebastionbear1; 02-07-2016 at 04:17 PM.
#1716
02-20-2016, 04:34 AM
A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes straight to the counter:
-I need some cyanide to kill my husband!
The pharmacist steps back in shock
-I possibly couldn't! That's very much illegal, I could go to jail for that!
The woman digs into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband -in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
-Oh, why didn't you tell me you had a prescription!
-I need some cyanide to kill my husband!
The pharmacist steps back in shock
-I possibly couldn't! That's very much illegal, I could go to jail for that!
The woman digs into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband -in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
-Oh, why didn't you tell me you had a prescription!
#1719
03-01-2016, 03:51 PM
Super Moderator
