A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.

All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order; "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie".

"The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir?"

"Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."



Cheers, SB

 

And I thought I was bad thinking shiitake mushrooms were a laxative.

 

My grandfather has the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

 

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Wellfleet man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,".

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobster that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't

seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"


The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."



Cheers, SB

 

 

Surely after that joke, there must be one that will actually make us laugh.
Have to give you ten points for it though as " those who have not failed, have not tried".

 

Hey Sebastionbear, if you want a good laugh, Google search a YouTube article called
" Marty the MudCrab"
Or it could be under
"King Billy Coke Bottle Pet Mud Crab"
Either one should find it and it's a good laugh mate. Only goes for a couple of minutes nut worth listening to. Good Aussie humor.

 

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

 

So a couple weeks ago I was speaking to one of my daughters on the phone. I was asking her what I could get her husband for Christmas. He's a gearhead so it's usually something along the lines of what I would want. She starts to explain what she thinks it is that he wants. As she gave me a vague description, I interrupted her and told her what it was. She snapped back, "No dad. Don't get my husband a bottle of Jack for Christmas". I replied, "No baby, I said a bottle jack, not a bottle of Jack".

 

^^

lol