I know this is old but I still laugh so hard when I read it.
Sorry if this is a repost.

Pocket Taser Gun, A
Great Gift For The Wife?

Anonymous
2-17-6


This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my *********. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock...

 

Here you go, a refresher course for understanding the cultured colonials, the Gentlemen (and women) from downunder.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jennaguillaume/i-am-arvo

Kristin: Strewth? I don’t know, french fries? One of these is french fries.
Sam: It’s such a weird word.
Kristin: It sounds like a drunk person saying truth.
Actual definition: Strewth. An exclamation meaning “for real” or “it’s the truth”, e.g., “Strewth, I thought I’d never see you again, mate!”

Enjoy it ya Galahs

Cheers, SB

 

Hard case Medic,,, that story gave great theatre of mind... Can picture it so clearly right down to the cat Gracie,
Something I would have probably done myself. We don't have those toys in NZ so I can't see me zapping myself anytime soon

 

Did you hear...

Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't that good but the reception was phenomenal.

 

And now for something completely different My joke - old one - of the day.

Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old. The first one says, "I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a poop." The second one says, "Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to pee." The third one says, "I take a nice poop at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice pee." The other two guys look at him and ask, "What are you complaining about?"

"I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."

 

awe Geezuz Shadow .... that stinks !

 

From our local motorcycle club person in charge of the "Sunday Centerfold"


Eddie Izzard- Death Star Canteen - YouTube

It is very hard to resist getting sucked into the whole Eddie Izard Leggo Person thing. Don't bother resisting, some of those clips are just feckin funny.

Cake or Death????

 

Proof that men have better friends than women…

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends: eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

If you`ve ever worked on the electrics of a vehicle from the Great Britain you might get a chuckle from these:

• The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
• Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"
• Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
• Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
• The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
• The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
• "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...
• If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
• Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
• It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to
  repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
• Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"
• Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.
• Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
• Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
• Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
• Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."
• Lucas systems actually use AC current; it just has a random frequency.

 

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping
on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let
go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and
everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying
she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
All the blondes applauded.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class
a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while
putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled
up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom,
dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry

waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."