A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text message that read...
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."


He replied... "I am taking a poop. What should I do?".

 

Two guys walk into a bar..................the second guy should have seen it!

 

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

 

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day,
he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The
speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of
the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've
had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is
that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a
flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've
had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in
there!

Cheers, SB

 

- harr harr

 

Hehee! That reminded me from one really old one. Dunno how well this is known around the world but I'll do my best to translate it.

So, somewhere in the pacific ocean there is this small island and a hermit that has been shipwrecked there for over a decade. One day he walks around the beach and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and tries to brush the seaweed off of it to see it more clearly and what do you know, POOF comes the cork flying off and a genie flies out stretching his joints. He says:

"My good man, you freed me from my prison so I guess the custom is to grant you with the wishes three. State your command and I shall obey!"

The man thinks out loud:

Hmmm, now's my ticket out of here, but you know what, I kinda like it here on my own, never been much of a people person... So a house would be nice. Nothing too fancy, but something I don't have to rebuild after every hurricane.

The genie snaps his fingers and the ground starts to shake. Slowly but surely a scandinavian style two storey stone house of black and white marble and the purest granite emerges from the beach sand. The man gazes in awe as the genie says

"no hurricane on this earth will ever nudge that lil` shack. Is there anything else my master wishes?"

The man thinks for a while and says

"You know, I've always liked bicycling and would like to explore this island more thoroughly, so my next wish would be a mountain bike. And don't over do it this time."

The genies snaps his fingers again and the nearby bush starts to shake as if a pair of wild bores would be at it under there, and before long, a mountain bike of the best materials jumps out. Carbon fiber frame, disc brakes, gas shocks, the works.

Once again the man cant help but stare as the genie asks with a smug on his face:

One mountain bike, sil vouz plait. You got one more wish, make it even a little more challenging this time.

The man thinks long and hard before he says:

Now that I've got a a fancy house and a bike, Some means to visit the mainland every now and then would be nice, I'm kind of getting bored of coconuts and fish. So genie, my wish is a bridge!

The genie's smug fades fast.

Umm, that's like 50 miles to the nearest cape, that'll take all my powers for a month. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna make you an offer no genie has ever made. If you'd settle for a big boat, I'm gonna grant you an extra wish! Got anything else on your mind?

The man thinks and thinks:

No, sorry, can't think of anything really... Oh! Since I'm getting access to the town anyway, there's this one thing: I've always wanted to be able to understand wemen!















Umm, yeah, was it a two or a four lane bridge?

 

Well I laughed................from the other side of the planet

Cheers, SB

 

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
75-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 75-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."




Cheers, SB

 

You take the first name of the first alter boy that you ever touched inappropriately.

Then you take the number of times you got away with it before you got sprung.

 

That sounds right TK but I am concerned that when Pope Tony the 300th comes along the whole world will know your little secret.