rofl :d:d:d

 

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.Could we please do it one more time?"Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watchand realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough.Ihave to get up in the morning... you don't."

 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,’ I’m here to feed the alligator.'

 

Man calls the Fire department says, "Help! Come quick. My house is on fire!"

Fireman says, "How do we get there?"

Man says, "Well you got them big red trucks don't you?"

 

^ good one!



An old woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. The silence was broken when the old woman said," I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband turned to her and asked," Is that you talking or the wine?"

The old woman turned to her husband and said," Its me talking to the wine."

 

THE FRIDGE!


I got home from work and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying

"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while"

I opened it, the light came on, the beer was well chilled

knows what she was on about?

 

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A root ", Paddy replies.

 

You've all heard the saying,"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day, teach him to fish and he has food for the rest of his life."

Here's a different twist

"Set a man a fire and he will be warm for the night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

 

Good one , might be time for some Bruce & Sheila Jokes tho

 

Seeing as we're pulling out the old ones, how about.......
"What's the difference between education and training ?
I asked my friend this and he said - "same thing"

I then asked him if he would rather I give his 16 year old daughter Sex education
Or sex training.........................