A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I t...ried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

 

hahaha woofer thats a good 'un!

 

^ funny but yikes - the thought of it !

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire Accident & Emergency crew to get it out.

 

owch hahaha

ok one last one..

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligato...r and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a
gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde
took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its
back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration :

"DAMMIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

 

I saw this one on another forum and I knew it belonged here. LOL...



A young boy needs help with his grade school paper so he decides to ask his father. "Daddy, I have to do a paper on the difference between theory and reality. Can you help me?"

The father responds, "Well son, do you know what those words mean?"

"Yes, but I could use an example."

The father thinks for a minute then tells his son to run upstairs and ask his sister if she would sleep with a complete stranger for 1 million dollars.

The kid goes upstairs and comes running back down, "Daddy, daddy, she said she would!"

The father then tells the kid to go into the kitchen and ask his mother if she would sleep with a complete stranger for a million dollars.

The kid goes to the kitchen and comes back, "Daddy, daddy, she said she would too!"

The father says, "There you go son. In theory we are sitting on 2 million bucks but in reality we're living with a couple of ******."

 

Cha-Ching!!!!!!

 

I find that very sad. LOL

 

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three

Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first

pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.



She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the

wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that

straw to build my house?'"


The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think

that man said?"


Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "'Holy

Sh*t! A talking pig!'" ????

 

ha!

It is, isn't it?

 

I finally managed to organize a threesome last night.

A couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.