Today's giggle
#1201
04-25-2012, 01:56 AM
Motorcycle wisdom of the road
• Midnight bugs taste best.
• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
• The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
• Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.
• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed. Or in Sprock's case - THREE
• Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.
• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
• Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.
• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
• The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.
• There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
• Practice wrenching on your own bike.
• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
• Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
• Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck
• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.
• No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.
• Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
• Midnight bugs taste best.
• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
• The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
• Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.
• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed. Or in Sprock's case - THREE
• Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.
• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
• Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.
• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
• The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.
• There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
• Practice wrenching on your own bike.
• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
• Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
• Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck
• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.
• No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.
• Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
#1202
04-25-2012, 03:21 PM
A useful language and technical descriptions...
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT PLANK OF PINE 4X2:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, normally perfectly flush, thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
FUKKIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'FUKKIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT PLANK OF PINE 4X2:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, normally perfectly flush, thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
FUKKIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'FUKKIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Mattson, That was awesome.
#1205
04-29-2012, 04:12 PM
The Night Nurse
The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a good one...........
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some **** got my pen!'
The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a good one...........
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some **** got my pen!'
Last edited by gotcbr; 09-19-2012 at 01:14 PM. Reason: language
#1207
05-01-2012, 07:06 AM
Crazy CBR Salvage Guy. RIP
Ok here's one the Catholics.
Mick hasn't been to confession at the local church for over twenty years, but feels the need to get some stuff off his chest.
He goes into the cubicle and waits for what seems to be an eternity to hear from the priest.
Eventually, after much scrabbling and swearing the wee confessional grill opens.
Mick - "Firstly Father let me say I haven't been to confession in near on twenty years. But I must say, you guys have really improved things since I was last here.
A leather recliner rocker, **** mags, and Guinness on tap. I don't remember confession being anything like this"
Priest - "**** off Mick, you've gone in the wrong door, you're in my **** cubicle"
Mick hasn't been to confession at the local church for over twenty years, but feels the need to get some stuff off his chest.
He goes into the cubicle and waits for what seems to be an eternity to hear from the priest.
Eventually, after much scrabbling and swearing the wee confessional grill opens.
Mick - "Firstly Father let me say I haven't been to confession in near on twenty years. But I must say, you guys have really improved things since I was last here.
A leather recliner rocker, **** mags, and Guinness on tap. I don't remember confession being anything like this"
Priest - "**** off Mick, you've gone in the wrong door, you're in my **** cubicle"
Last edited by gotcbr; 09-19-2012 at 01:15 PM. Reason: profanity
#1208
05-20-2012, 06:24 AM
More Catholics
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to
express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of
those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your Robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not
lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will
question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official
asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.'
'Next please!'
However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to
express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of
those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your Robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not
lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will
question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official
asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.'
'Next please!'
#1209
05-20-2012, 07:33 AM
#1210
05-20-2012, 09:25 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Irish Jokes eh !
BRB
Two Americans and a South African were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, to his "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The American coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"
The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.
The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the South African was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.
The coach said, "C'mon, . You'll kill him"
The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the South African coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the South Africans hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.
"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... & HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own *****!"
Irish Jokes eh !
BRBTwo Americans and a South African were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, to his "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The American coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"
The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.
The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the South African was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.
The coach said, "C'mon, . You'll kill him"
The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the South African coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the South Africans hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.
"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... & HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own *****!"
Last edited by Sprock; 05-20-2012 at 09:33 PM.