Where Am I ?[/align]
[/align]
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became[/align]
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady[/align]
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked[/align]
her if she knew what hole he was playing.[/align]
[/align]
I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you[/align]
must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the[/align]
back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same[/align]
request.[/align]
[/align]
"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the[/align]
13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished[/align]
his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at[/align]
the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.[/align]
[/align]
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.[/align]
[/align]
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your[/align]
help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.[/align]
What do you sell?"[/align]
[/align]
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. No, I won't."[/align]
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."[/align]
[/align]
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool. "See," she[/align]
said. "I knew you'd laugh!"[/align]
[/align]
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for[/align]
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."


&nb

 

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in theworld."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest and most obnoxious person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the %&# is Rosie O'Donnell?"

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh ..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-y'all.
Hear about the new gay sitcom?
Leave it, it's Beaver.
Why is sex is like software?
For everyone who pays for it, hundreds getting it free.
What's the most active muscle in a woman?
The *****.
How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
How do you get a woman off during sex?
Push her.

 

Quote:

What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-y'all.

that's a good one I sent that to my gay friend

 

[sm=goodidea.gif]

 

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Long legs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Long legs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that broke back mountain junk in our garden."