Last week I was getting on a bus with a co-worker of mine. He is a bit large in the waist. While trying to get past an elderly lady his big belly rubbed up against her. She turned around with disgust and said, "If that belly were on a woman she'd be pregnant."

He Looked at her and said, "lady, last night it was and today she is."

 

- sometimes ya get it just right ! *****

 

So Seamus and Murph are heading down to the Pub
when Murph says to Seamus " we've only got 2 dollars
between us - how can we go drinking on that ? "

Seamus says "I've got a plan man" and disappears into
the butchers shop only to return with a large sausage
and their 2 last remaining dollars spent"

Jaysus says Murph "what good is that to us Seamus ?"
Well says Seamus "we'll order all the pints we need and
when we're finished I'll put the sausage in my pants and
you can get down there and do the business" that'll do
trick !

So they head into the first pub - have two pints
and then do their trick - sure enough the barman
turfs them out and they're up two free pints.

So they both look at each with big grins on their faces
and decide to visit all the bars in town that night.

All goes according to plan when around the 10th bar
visited the two lads are having problems standing up
straight - so Murph says to Seamus - "Jaysus Seamus
I'm not sure I can keep on going like this - my knees
are killing me , my back is broken and I can hardly
see straight !"

Seamus says " Murph I'm with ya man I'm kind of feeling
a little tender myself and it may have something to do
with the fact I think I lost that sausage a couple of pubs
back !



Ah just prepping for St Paddy's Day

 

My daughter sent me this earlier this evening.

I have no idea why, because it's not my birthday.

 

So a guy is out cutting his grass and runs over his neighbors cat and cuts off it's tail.so he packs it up and takes it to Walmart...why ..................




Because he heard Walmart is the worlds largest retailer..

WJOTM

Q. How can you tell when a Gold Wing rider is cheating on his wife?

A. His helmet doesn't match his passengers.

 

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his ********* and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

lol

 

Ahhhhhh, Davy, you just had tears rolling down my cheeks with that one. Fkn ace mate.

 

What's the difference between a golf ball and a "G spot" ?

A man will look for a golf ball......................