My bike is basically a poop log with two wheels so I've never seen anyone messing with it. But it's MY two-wheeled poop log so if I saw someone messing with it I would put on my CF knuckle riding gloves and bruise their face pretty good.

 

I have an ability to be totally irrational, and if someone messed with by bike, that iswhere I would go. I would lose it if I caught them messing about,or get lost in a state of depression if it was hurt or stolen, and nobody was around to be accountable.

 

I'd throw my helmet on and start head butting the punk.