After taking my father’s ashes to their final resting place with my mother, brother and his girlfriend, I started the hour long drive from my mom’s house. I couldn’t explain why, but my stomach had twisted itself into a knot, not wanting to go home. When I arrived, I walk up to my wife and I try to kiss her, but she turns her head away. This has been going on for a while. Somewhere, somehow, communication broke down. Every time I asked what was wrong, “nothing” was the reply. So this, time I was a little miffed and turned away and sat at my computer. After about a minute goes by she turns to me and asks, “Don’t you want to know what is wrong.” I turn and look at her. The bone chilling words escape her lips, “I don’t love you anymore.”

That was 2 years ago.

Today, I’m at home and I see that Happy Slip has posted another new song (link), well at least a cover of Rihanna’s song “Take a bow,” but with a twist. Instead of the forlorn lyrics that typically accompany the song she applies her own:

You stand before me right now
Telling me all your vows
In front of God and our friends
I'll stay with you til the end
I pledge my life

After all that I put you through
You have shown your love that is true

And this is what I know
You are not self seeking
It's your humble heart
That always thinks of others
You are worth the wait
Noble man of honor
I stand before you now
and I accept your vows

For better, for worse
For richer, for poorer
In sickness, and in health
oh I am yours

I stand before you now
and I accept your vows

I can’t help but feel that I failed.

I’ve learned a lot from the experience. I learned some of what I could have done better. But I fear that women will look at me and see “divorced” and think that there is something wrong with me. I fear that I will be viewed as someone that was abusive or a cheater. Someone that can’t make a commitment and be faithful, because obviously something must be wrong me.

I hate fear. It’s the reason why I continue to ride my motorcycle. I’ve fallen 3 times so far in my first year of ownership. With each time I gain some experience. I figure out my mistakes and I strive to do better. A friend’s daughter asked her, “Why does he keep riding if he’s been in so many accidents?”

The answer is simple. I will not let that fear control my life. I will not let it keep me from doing something that I want to do. I will take my failures, figure out the right lessons from them and apply them to my future and with that I will continue to strive to be a better person, a better rider and perhaps one day a better husband.

 

Keep riding.
My father passed a year ago today. Suddenly. No warning.
I had been thinking about a new bike. I bought a 08 CBR1000RR and08 GSXR750.
We have one chance at this life. This is not a practice.Life is too precious to waste it waiting.
I try to live every day as if it were my last. I tell the important people I love them...and I ride.
I don't want to have regrets.

 

i know how you feel, Woo (about riding). i have been down three times this year, sadly...every othe month starting w/ May (might be in my best interest to not ride in Nov.....). w/ my most recent lowside......i felt like giving up, i believe i even made a post regarding just that. but i feel like its in my blood. i learn from each accident, i take a lesson away from it. idk where the hell i'd be w/o my motorcycles. they are my therapy, my stress relievers, my "fun" when im bored, a way to meet new people/friends......i'd probably be insane right now if i didnt have that "M" on my license and my motorcycles in my garage. at this point i might as well have some good 'ol Motul running through my veins. my family hates the bikes but tries to like them...for me, lol. after my mom had to watch me get medivaced out w/ my 2nd accident i told her, promised her i'd tone it down on the streets. she pretends to like my bike now, trying to aske me questions about it when she see's me, lol. im going to take money from my tax returns this year and save some for a couple trackdays w/ my F4i and save some for my mom, sister, father and g/f to go (gas and what not).....so they can see what im so addicted to and why i still swing a leg over and twist the wrist no matter how many times i've been down. hell, my friend/roomate AAAALWAYS tries to make fun of me for how much i ride. every time i leave he laughs and says "wtf, again?! you just got in the door like 30mins ago and you're going back out?!".......my reply each and every time as i walk to the garage........"dude, you'll never know"

ride on, Woo!

 

WISDOM OF YEARS
WE ALL PROJECT A VIEW OF WHO WE ARE THE IMAGE THAT WE WANT THE WORLD TO SEE BUT WIPE AWAY PRETENSE AND YOU WILL FIND THAT I AM WHAT THE WORLD HAS MADE OF ME
THE IMAGES OF HEALTH AND STRENGTH ABOUND BUT DEEP INSIDE THERE’S INSECURITY PROJECTIONS BASED ON HOW WE THINK THAT MEN SHOULD ACT AND LIVE AND LAUGH AND THINK AND BE
BUT IF YOU’RE HONEST WITH YOURSELF FOR ONCE YOU’LL REALISE THAT LIFE IS SUCH A SHAM AND BEING WHAT YOU THINK THE WORLD DEMANDS IS WHAT GETS ALL US MEN IN SUCH A JAM.
TO REALISE THAT FREEDOM IS WITHIN AND BREAK WITH WHAT THE WORLD EXPECTS OF YOU THEN BE YOURSELF AND FROM THE START BEGIN AND COME TO SEE THAT WHAT I SAY IS TRUE
SO START AFRESH, AND LEARN TO KNOW YOURSELF AND HOLD WITHIN YOU THAT YOU NOW ARE FREE AND KNOW THAT EVERY MAN HAS FELT ALONE WHEN FACING HIM THAT HE WOULD RATHER BE

 

When we get that knot in the stomach over things like this it is our guardian angel/higher self/6th sense/gut instinct ..call it what you will but its very reliable and we always just seem to "know" ..you should always learn to trust it, its kinda looking out for you ...

I am sorry for your losses Nick, in this day and age you are unlikely to be judged for being divorced ..it just simply didnt work out, thats all you have to say and its no one elses business ... there is no greater pain than losing someone you love ... you never have to minimise this kind of pain, ever ... when you love someone and they tell you they no longer love you with their words or their actions or whatever, then its going to hurt and its going to hurt real bad, it rocks your world and its never quiete the same again ... what doesnt kill us only makes us stronger and there are always these hard lessons in life ... so, let it go, three simple words Nick .. you did what you could at the time or what you thought you could, no amount of second guessing now is going to help ..you are allowed to move on to whatever life has in store for you :-)

You can let it go ..you just can!! :-)

Jules

 

jules is right, people this day are not really frown upon divorces, like they did in the 50's... look at my sister, she divorced at 23 or 24 and shes doing fine in the dating world..... im going through tough times too, not nearly as rough as you it seems, but you just gotta smile and keep going, try not to let it faze you.... bcuz the world will give up trying to **** you off if all you do is smile when it slaps you in the face or kicks you in the *****.


and c'mon a tuff guy like you quoting a rhihanna song, it should be metallica or somthing manly

 

Wow, woo ! That is a harsh anniversary. I am sorry for your losses. I do not know what else to say, but I should say something. I thank you for being open with your feelings. I have felt the same way about females since my divorce, 19 months ago. Like I have a great big letter A on my forehead. I toxic. I failure. I loser.
The best advice seems to be to let it go.You seem like a likeable person, and you sound like you have learned a great deal from the experiences. I just keep it all inside, lashed down in a deep dark part of my soul. I wish I could be more like you in your openness. In sharing your feelings, you have taught me something, if that is of any comfort. Pace, Gris.