Um ... Mr Bear did that one a couple of pages ago.
Doesn't mean I didn't have another good laugh though.

 

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size...
This is considered a major social breakthrough because it solves women's complaints that men are always staring at their breasts, but never listening to them.


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes and then asked him, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied, but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

Ole and Sven get themselves jobs with the park dept. One day a guy is sitting on a park bench watching them. Ole digs a hole three feet deep and two feet wide, walks thirty feet and digs another hole three feet deep and two feet wide while Sven is busily filling in the first hole. Ole digs a third hole as Sven fills the second one. It's really hot out, but they are just busting their butts digging and filling holes.

Finally, the guy on the bench can't stand it any more, so he goes over and says, "I really admire you two for working as hard as you do, and in all this heat, too! But I just have to ask. You (points to Ole) dig a hole three feet deep and two feet wide and you (points to Sven) fill it in as soon as he starts on the next hole. I don't understand it at all."

Ole and Sven just shake their heads and tell the guy, "Well, Lars usually plants the trees but he's home sick today!"

 

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - lets me have a shed.

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.




Any resemblance to people I know living or dead is purely coincidental

Cheers, SB

 

Scary. Is your GPS called Michelle?

 

Clearly the GPS model that I have is faulty. Perhaps a software upgrade may fix these issues??

Or a hard reboot??

 

Yeah! You are a bit skinny!

PS: Do not tell Mrs TK that.

Cheers, SB

 

A little girl ****** her finger on a thorn in the garden, and runs in to her Mum.
"Mum I need some cider for my hand"
Mum doesn't understand but gets her a glass of cider.
The little girl dunks her hand in the cider but is still yelling that it doesn't help.
Mum, getting a bit irritated by this says
"Why do you want cider - it won't fix the pain"
The little girl says
"My sister says whenever she gets a ***** in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider".....

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

 

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough
syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of
laxatives." "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with
laxatives." "Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at
him.........he daren't cough now!!"

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London ... Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.