hey northern...PM sent...

 

i came from a divorced home too...my mom did remarry but i was there...i am not saying that it isn't an option....only that it should be pursued AFTER thinking everything through...that doesn't mean years before determining that, but rather just taking the time to weigh all the options...besides, sometimes it can be worked out without the fighting...

just my .02

 

Just FYI, this isnt the make or break, just lookin for some advise/constructive criticism

 

I got married at 19 to my first wife...surprise, we didn't last. The very next person I had sex with got preggers. I didn't like her, just had unprotected, drunken, rebound sex. I told her I would NEVER love her, but she wanted to be in a relationship. I stayed with her, and white knuckled it for 3 1/2 years...those are years that I can't have back. I sepnt my entire 20's with a cold hearted bitch, and a woman I would never love. Now, I love my children from these relationships and am glad it all happened the way it did, but your relationship with yourself will dictate the quality of all your other relationships, in my opinion. If you are unhappy all the time, that will poison other aspects of your life. Sometimes it is better to seperate. It is not something to take lightly, though, and I know you know that. In our disposable, fast-food, drive through society it is too easy to give up on a relationship. My current wife is part of my foundation and I have no shot of true happiness without her. When you are with the right person, you can get in fights, be pissed at eachother, and keep secrets, but if something is wrong between you...again everything else is off. I hope it works out for you, bro. No one should ever go into a relationship andexpect, or be expected to change. After some formative years in your teens, I think you are who you are...end of statement. Change doesn't happen. When will people learn that? Good luck, man!!!

 

[ol][*]Don`t roll over and give into everything that she wants. That just comes across that you don`t care about the relationship enough to say what your desires are.[*]Work on the small stuff. Do the small things around the house so that she doesn`t have to and don`t expect anything in return. Consistently clearing the table, doing the dishes, taking out the trash. Do it without being asked.[*]Be spontaneous. Does not have to be a big thing like extravagant dinners. Can be as little as bringing home flowers (not all women like this...might be seen as one more thing to take care of). Bake her brownies. Lets go get ice cream. Lets go on a day trip...I would really like to visit (her favorite place).[*]Don`t leave all the decisions up to her. That just feels like one more thing that she needs to do. "Hey, lets have spaghetti tonight...better yet I`ll cook." and don`t forget to clean up the dishes! If she cleans the dishes by hand...stand with her and hand dry them. Or just tell her you`ll take care of it. [/ol]There are so many different elements of a relationship. Unlike EVERYTHING else in life, this stuff is not taught in school or job training.

Lets look at it this way.

Imagine a her heart as a gas tank. Everything that you do places a little fuel in the tank. The bigger things have a bigger bang...but they are usually special things, but they don`t last nearly as long and are few and far between. If you keep doing the small things (which really don`t take a lot of effort on your part), you are relieving huge burdens on her. That`s one less thing that she needs to worry about. Each little thing that you do, fills that tank. Keep it topped off. So, that when you do f up (which we are guys after all, so it is inevitable), it will most likely roll off the her back and not become a sticking point.

Slow and steady wins the race. Its the small stuff that matters. The big stuff is just a icing.

By all mean, COMMUNICATE. Especially your feelings. If this stuff bothers you because you don`t want to bother her with it, then she will be robbed of your emotions. Likewise. Listen to her. Repeat back what she tells you and THEN tell her how you feel about it. I know its hard for you, being a guy and all...but its just one of those little things that is needed.

EDIT: Issues weigh heavily on ones shoulders. Don`t go to bed angry. Resolve the issues. When you can finally discuss your feelings freely with her (which means knowing how you feel) and discover where you, her or both of you misstep is important for a healthy relationship. When you do reach a resolution to the issue, you will feel a burden lifted off your shoulders and if done correctly, you will feel closer to her.

My counselor said a relationship is like having two captains to a boat. The safest part of the boat is in the center. But if one captain feels like the boat is leaning too much to one side, then they will try to compensate by pulling in the other. Pulling away from each other each time in order to keep an already unstable boat afloat. The only way to stabilize it is for BOTH to work towards the center of the boat. The shared feelings is one of those ways.


One of my favorite posts from Kewl Breeze 3rd post down: https://cbrforum.com/m_486244/mpage_2/key_/tm.htm

 

I honestly do not know what to tell you man. I, like TK, have a failed marriage with no children. I am not exactly sure where I went wrong but I did. The funny part is my ex-wife does not even know either. I did everything I could to make her happy to include sending her a dozen roses on anniversary while I was deployed to Kuwait. I come home at the end of January and everything was fine so I thought. The day after my b-day, yes you read right the day after my b-day, she told me she committed adultery while I was gone and after I got back the Sunday before my b-day.

So needless to say I have no advice considering I have failed myself. Best of luck.

If you find a happy woman, mark it down on the calendar and share it with us.

 

It can NOT be all about her or it's a fail from the start. It has to be about both, separately and together.

 

Damn Woo, you read *The five love languages* too?

Yeah, I am currentlly/have beendoing 1-4 and they definatlly help! I can deal with being short on cash, and limiting what I do for fun, but when she is just a straight up bitch its damn hard to keep that smile on my face.

I believe that once I have a written out plan of how my finished education is going to point me to a defined career and job location, then my personal security will help make her more stable and thus I can feel that I have a life. Now I just need to fastforward a few years to be done with education![:@]

 

2 way street man. Education is important but should be done to make you happy not her.

 

ABSOLUTELY Hoosier. Your happiness lies in your hands. If you do not confide to her what would make you happy, she can`t do anything to help. (likewise from her). Sometimes simply asking, "What would make you happy," might be enough. Focus on the solution, not the problem.

When all else fails...be this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60e_DBGaL0U


EDIT:

A woman who vents her issues, seeks not an answer but a confidant with which to commiserate.

EDIT 2:

Though I think Jules and Pam would be better to ask these questions. Asking relationship advice from a guy is like asking the enemy for their next move. Very rarely will you get an answer that will truly help your cause.

EDIT 3:
My guess is that there is some deeper issue here that is buried under a lot of little crap.

EDIT 4:
The defenses that we build up around ourselves to protect us from being hurt, end up being barriers for relationships. What may be bothering her, might not even necessarily be your fault (or hers). Sometimes we get bottlenecked behind a problem and every little problem occurs just gets jammed up behind that one issue. This may be something from her distant past because little Sally Sue stuck her tongue out at her and instead of accepting and gaining resolution to the feelings, she closed it off and harbored those feelings. Fast forward to now, you stick your tongue out (or some equivalent nefarious deed) and those horrible feelings are brought back in a torrent. THEN every bad thing that occurs seems to cling to you. Resolution to a problem comes when you can look back at the situation and no longer feel the pain and maybe you feel delight from the situation.