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Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....



You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....



You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going
to have a monster hangover....



You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she
used
last night....



You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....



You circle the car looking for dents and find none....



But .... Wait a minute....



(See attached file: Wifes-volvo[1].JPG)




Wifes-volvo1.JPG
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Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best
to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man. He
chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
... very
tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you
for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

Who knows if it actually happened... it is funny though!!

Actual Australian Court Docket 12659 - Case of the Pregnant Lady:

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time his smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
old) what he had to say for himself.

He replied... "Well your honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Logan's Liniment will Reduce the Swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick
Did The Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"....I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED."

 

This is a great example of "Did I say that out loud?" This allegedly happened at Harvard University in a biology class.



The professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand correctly, you're
saying there's a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"


After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."



Biology 101

 

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY LOS ANGELES TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS
GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE
THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO- PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS
IN EC! ONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO
REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED
TO A BLONDE I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND
BLUSHING SLIGHTLY SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK
TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID
TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".

 

oh, lots of good jokes here.. but one thing that is no joke is my fav forum has vanished.. (http://www.mazspeed.com can anyone else access it?) where Ihad my fav joke of all time.. I'll retell it the best I can


One morning while the wifey is making brekfast, the husband comes downstairs, as soon as he sees what she is doing he goes ballistic, yelling "OMG you're going to burn them, where's the butter, quick! we gotta get some butter, and salt! don't forget to salt them, have you got the butter yet? are we out of butter? OMG where are we going to get butter? they're going to be ruined.. FLIP THEM, FLIP THEM, this is a disaster, have you lost your mind, why havn't you flipped them you NOOO you gotta use a metal flipper, not a plastic one! PUT PEPPER ON THEM! THEY'RE DONE, THEY'RE DONE, what are you waiting for, serve them!!

the wife looks at him puzzled as all hell and says "Don't you think i know how to cook an egg???"



the husband replies
I'm sure you know how to cook an egg, I'm just showing you what it's like when i'm driving with you in the car"