While in Catholic school the teacher asked the students what part of them went to Heaven first.
One little girl said " Our hands! Because we get on our knees to pray and we lift up our hands."
Very good the teacher said. Little Johnny jumped up and said " I think we go feet first."
The teacher looking puzzled, and asked Johnny why he thought we went feet first. Johnny said" Last night my father had to hold my mother down because she was yelling, with her feet in the air "I'm coming, Oh God I'm coming", and if it wasn't for my Dad holding her down he would have got her too.

 

too funny!

 

((((RING))))

**Phone Pick Up**

Hello?

Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?

No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.

After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul.

Oh, yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.

Brief Pause...

Uh, okay then...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table; run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

Okay, Daddy, just a minute.

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

I did it, Daddy.

And what happened, honey? he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!

Oh, my God! !!! What about your Uncle Paul?

He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

**Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, Swimming pool??... Is this 555-5731?

 

OUTSTANDING!!!! That was hilarious!

 

All 3 were tight but the lizard one tops them all.

 

Ok, I dunno how this one will translate on paper, but here goes (this is my all time favorite joke to tell, and must be done so with much drama and animation).

*ahem*

So there's this pond.... and over the pond is this fly, buzzing around. Well, little does the fly know that below him in the pond, there's a trout. And the trout is thinking, "if only that flhy would fly a little bit lower, I could jump up and eat him."

Well... little did the trout know that behind him, at the edge of the pond, there was a bear. And the bear was thinking, "If only that fly would fly a little bit lower, the trout could jump up and get the fly and I could eat the trout!!"

Well... little did the bear know that behind him, in the woods there was a bear hunter. And the bear hunter was thinking, "If only that fly would fly a little bit lower, the trout could eat the fly, the bear could eat the trout, and I could shoot the bear and kill him."

Well.... little did the bear hunter know that behind him, there was a mouse! And the mouse was thinking, "If only that fly would fly a little bit lower, the trout could eat the fly, the bear would eat the trout, the bear hunter could shoot the bear, and I could eat the bear hunter's cheese sandwich."

Well... little did the mouse know that behind him, there was a cat. And the cat was thinking, "If only that fly would fly a little bit lower, the trout could eat the fly, the bear could eat the trout, the bear hunter could shoot the bear, the mouse could eat the bear hunter's cheese sandwich, and I could POUNCE on the mouse, and eat him!"



WELL..... do you know what happened?


..


...


....


.....


That fly flew a little bit lower.
The trout ate the fly.
The beat caught the trout.
The bear hunter shot the bear.
The mouse got the bear hunter's cheese sandwich.
And the cat pounced on the mouse...... and fell in the pond.

And do you know what the moral of the story is?


(get ready)

---


---


---


---


The longer the foreplay, the wetter the *****.

 

hahaha! I've never heard the ending that you've used in that joke. The way I heard it was, the moral of the story: If the fly drop 3 inches, ***** gets wet. hahaha

 

Three people just died and they go up to heaven. One is an italian, a jew, and a gay guy. They go up to god and he says: "Ok I'll give you guys one more chance, but the only you cannot do is what you love the most. All three men agreed, and in an instand, they were walking down the street. As all three men were walking down the street, the italian man spots an italian restauraunt. With his mouth watering, he couldn't resist. He ran into the restaurant and ate a full meal of spagetti. And in an instant.....poof! The man was gone. The two other men continued walking down the street, and the jew spots a penny on the sidewalk. Without hesitation he bends over and picks the penny up.............poof.......poof.

 

That's so funny!! I just had someone else tell me they'd heard it with the fly dropping 6 inches.... LMAO!

 

I knew you would have heard of that! As you said, its definately a better joke in person.