Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and
coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my
foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease
into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for
staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush,
throw
my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump
into bed, slap her on the *** and say!, "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts
like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!!"

 

Whats The Difference Between LIGHT and Hard????


You can sleep with a Light on...

Stephen-

 

A lion and a bull are sitting in a bar, drinking bear. At some point, lion’s cell phone rings. He answers the phone saying - “Oh hi honey… mhmm… oh well, I’ll come home then. Bye�. And he hangs up the phone.

Bull is looking at him not believing what he’s hearing… Bull asked him: “What? You’re going home just because your wife called?! If my wife should call, I’d tell her – no way, I’ll come home when I want and if I want!�

Lion looks at him and after couple of moments, he says: “Oh well, that’s true. But… my wife is a lioness and yours is a cow!!!�

 

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks... "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a *****," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a ***** or a call girl?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

 

A redhead walks into her doctor's office and tells him she hurts everywhere. She takes her finger and pokes her arm and yells in pain, she pokes her leg and yells again, everywhere she pokes hurts.

So the doctor takes some X-rays and comes back in and says "You're not really a redhead are you?"

"No" she says, embarrased "I'm a blonde"

Doc says "Well that explains a lot".

The woman says "What's that supposed to mean?"

The doctor says "You've got a broken finger".

 

ahahahahahahaha!

 

hahaha....very funny fitz...

 

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey. They have a few joints. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and decided to go get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned he leans too far over and falls into the river.
An alligator swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains that he was smoking a joint with a monkey in the tree, got stoned, and fell into the river while getting a drink of water.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is finishing another joint, looks up and says, "Hey, you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "SSSShhhhiiiitttt dude. . . How much water did you drink?"

 

THAT LIZARD JOKE IS AWESOME!!!

 

LMFOA!!! I love it! Im going to tell it to everyone that i see!