An undertaker says to a bereaved husband,
"When did you realise your wife was dead?"
"Well" He replies "The sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up.."

 

Whay is a washing machine better than a wife? Because you don't have to hug a washing machine after you dump a load in it!

 

Guy goes to the doctor to get a check up. Doc is checking over him when he notices the guy has five penises. The Doc said " Man how do your pants fit?" The guy said like a glove.




A bear and a rabbit are taking a **** in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says hey rabbit do you have a problem with **** sticking to your fur. Which then the rabbit replies....no pshh.. The bear says good picks up the rabbit and wipes his *** with him.

 

What is green and smells like pig?
A= Kermits finger

Why does Ms Piggy use honey and vinegar dueche?
A= Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

What is the difference between a gay and a refrigerator?
A= A refregirator does not fart when you pull the meat out.

 

Hear about the new cereal Queereos?

Just add milk and they eat themselves.



What did one tampon say to the other...

Nothing, they were both stuck-up ****s



What food takes away a womans sex drive...

Wedding cake


Thats all for now, the rest of em are some gut busters but a bit off-color and wouldn't want to offend.....

 

So Friday rolls around, I don't feel like working. I'm gonna sleep in, I decide. Well, eventually my boss calls me around 11 and says, "where the hell are you?!?!? It's 11 and you were supposed to be here at 9!"

"I'm sorry sir, I went to the doctor last night and apparently I have a rare disease called **** Glaucoma," I reply.

"**** Glaucoma? What the hell does that mean?," he asks.

"Well, basically I just can't see my *** coming to work."

BAAAZINGG!!!

 

I think this is pretty funny

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Ramy, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, RAMY described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he
put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble
finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he
put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever
started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of afight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing itbetween them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung
there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin
off and flush it down the toilet

 

why was tiggrs head in the toilet?

he was looking for poo...

 

This one is really bad...

So this teenage girl wants to borrow her dad's car to go out with her friends. She asks him if she can use the car and he says,"Yes, but you have to give me head first." She says,"No way!" "Alright then...no car." She finally agrees because she really wants to go out. She starts to go down on him, but immediately jumps up and screams,"That tastes like ****!" "Oops" he says," I forgot...your brother is already borrowing the car tonight."

 

Two statues are in a park when an angel comes down and brings them to life. The angel tells the statutes, one male and the other female, that they have 1 hour of life to do whatever they please. So the statues jump off their pedestels (sp?) and jump behind some bushes. Cue laughing, giggling and much rustling of leaves. About 30min later, they come out, panting and out of breath. The angel tells them "you still have 30min, what are you going to do?" So the girl statue says to the man statue "Ok! You hold the pidgeons down this time and I'll **** on their heads!"