Hopefully this will make work go a little faster.

Enjoy!!

[font="helvetica, arial, verdana, sans serif"][size="2"][*]If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.[*]Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.[*]I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.[*]Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.[*]Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.[*]Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.[*]If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY![*]If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.[*]If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.[*]I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."[*][font="helvetica, arial, verdana, sans serif"][size="2"][*]If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting![*]To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.[*]Whenever I need to "get away," I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there is the flies. They're terrible![*]Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT."[*]For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.[*]I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.[*]After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"[*][font="helvetica, arial, verdana, sans se

 

man i love jack handy....those were the good 'ol days of SNL....

might have to print this list...i use to have a website chocked full of em, but this will do..thanks FLYOU!

 

Wow... that's a crazy long list. Jack Handy is pretty funny... the humor that runs along the same lines is Steven Wright. He's good times too.

 

Jack Handy is the best! I rank himat the top of sarcastic/ironic homor (along with Steven Wright and Maddox).