"Btw my H/D doesn't leak oil"
I would be checking to see if there is any oil in it then if I were you!

 

aaahhhh,,, there ya go you wiggly fella,,, let me put the jarvid fish back in water .......put some oil mention on the hook and ya catch one every time ! LOL!!

 

Well put Ern! It's easy to tell someone to f#$k off later, if they do turn out to be a ****, but very hard to go back from initial rudeness.

If I had the floating $ there'd be a V-Rod in the shed, with the cbrf, and a couple of Triumphs (new and old models), some Nortons and a....and a .....

I nod or wave at all riders I pass. Most on HDs don't wave back (some do). I notice that most have a bad *** scowl on their dial...I generally ride with a big smile on mine. Of course, you can't see it due to my full face lid...I'm not tough enough to wear the matt black open face.

 

Always fun to poke at the HD Boyz, but I have found that they KNOW what they are riding. In over 40 years of riding,and living in different parts of the country, there are plenty of stories I have that involve HD folks. Some good some bad,funny and /or scary. I wave no matter the bike and sometime they dont wave back,no biggie to me. I think the story I keep in mind was when I was riding a 67 Norton Atlas. I was about 100 miles away from home going nowhere when it quit.Long story short,I couldn't figure out what was wrong with it ,knelte down beside the bike checking it out, when I hear the "sound of thunder" coming down the road. I 'm alone in rural Illinios, black and unarmed. About 10 of them, bearded, BIG and mean looking with colors out of St Louis. They pull over and I'm bracing myself for this. They come over figure out by holding the spark plug wire that I am not getting fire. He held on the the wire while I kick started it !! We then found the ring in the mag had moved. We tested that again by him holding the wire,got a spark.Dude didn't flinch. He just calmly stated that it should fire up now. .Bike fixed and running I trailed them back to ST.L.These were good guys, but down with the Harley thing.Fun to hang with but a little crazy for me,but good folks.I don't trip on the folks that act stupid,I get it.I like what I ride,my Hurricane is my baby,I wouldnt trade,but I dont have to. I also ride a Kaw .My money my bikes.I have confidence in my thing ,they like theirs,cool....we can hang ...or not....I also know that if I ride with a Harley at 100 or more it will break. Sorry I HAD to do that ,just teasing....

 

Hey... I, for one, am an ******* CBR rider. I ride near the speed limit (most the time), come to complete stops at stop signs, I wont share my lane or allow anyone to follow to close, I obnoxiously wave at everyone on two wheels, (scooters, bicyclist, beamers, hogs, and even brand new sportbikes. I'm an a-hole 'cause I refuse to play by the rules of "Class". I guess 'cause I have none. You should be feared when you see me coming, I might make you acknowledge me. I'll buy you a drink and talk nonstop about my classic CBR. See, I'm an As$hole.

 

"It's easy to tell someone to f#$k off later, if they do turn out to be a ****, but very hard to go back from initial rudeness."


It's cool ya'll get it! I'll reach out a hand to anybody once, it's the only real way to seperate the "Men" from the boys. Morals/Standards don't always sport a dapper look.

Ern

 

Time to poke fun at everyone..........................

Q: What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
A: Sturgis!

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
A: Both have ****** on their back.

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: If you leave them alone long enough, they'll both mark their territory.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

Q: Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
A: To be able to tell if they're moving or not !


Slow Down or Stop? The police officer had just pulled over a yuppie on a new Harley for running a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please..." the officer asked.

"What's the problem, officer?" the yuppie replied.

"You just ran a stop sign." the officer said.

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and only then proceed with caution."

"You've got to be kidding me!" the yuppie said.

"It's no joke sir." the officer said flatly, pulling out his citation book and preparing to write a ticket.

"Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, and proceeded with caution."

The officer sighed and slowly shook his head. "That's beside the point sir, you are supposed to come to a complete stop and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." the officer began.

"You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?" the yuppie asked sneering.

"SIR!" The officer sighed. "I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.

A smile appeared on the officer's face. "Sir, I can do better than that." The police officer quickly jerked the rude yuppie off his Harley, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"


Top 10 Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave at Other Motorcyclists.
10) They're way too cool to acknowledge any non-Harley riders.
9) They're too busy daydreaming about owning a real motorcycle.
8) Their engine is too weak to handle the added wind resistance of a waving hand.
7) The Rottie (in back of the pickup truck with the tied down Harley) is easily upset by rapid hand movements.
6) Are you kidding? Risk their lives trying to control a Harley with just one hand!
5) They're too busy humming "Born to be Wild" while fantasizing about being Peter Fonda or Dennis Hopper.
4) They're too busy figuring out how to pay for the next order of genuine Harley accessories (including the "official" HD calculator needed to add up the cost).
3) If we really have to tell you, you won't understand anyway.
2) They can't see you because their half-shell helmet keeps falling down over their eyes.
1) They think we are actually trying to draw their attention to the parts falling off their bikes, and they are sick and tired of it.


The Missionary's Position A missionary went to an island to teach the natives English. His first student was the tribal chief. The missionary pointed skyward and said "sky".

The Chief said "sky".

The missionary pointed to his foot and said "shoe".

The Chief said "shoe".

This is great, thought the missionary as the two began walking together. He's really catching on! After a few minutes of more such lessons, they went around a bush and saw a man and woman hot and heavy in the throes of passion. The very proper missionary, totally startled and highly embarrassed, nervously said, "Man riding bike".

Instead of responding as he had been, though, the Chief ran up and put his spear through the heart of the man on top of the woman, killing him.

The horrified missionary asked, "What in God's name did you do THAT for?"

The Chief calmly replied, "MY bike!"


Stranded On An Island: A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"


Don't Need A Harley: On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.


Picked Up By The Fuzz? A little old lady wants to join a biker club. She knocks on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy is amused and tells her that she needs to meet certain biker requirements before she is allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady says, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."


Fat Girl & Scooter - Q: What does a fat girl and a moped have in common?

A: They're both fun to ride, but you don't want to be seen on one!


You Never Know: A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."


Old Dirtbiker Joke: An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on
Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest
hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's
still alive... he's a dirt biker."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"


Bear Joke: Astride his shiny new 125, Frank was thoroughly excited about going riding in the mountains for the first time. After going only a few miles, Frank was surprised to see what appeared to be a half-acre of brown fur just off the trail ahead. Recognizing it as a huge grizzly bear, Frank nailed the throttle hard, hoping to get by before the bear could react. The bear was too quick, though, and with one leap was totally blocking the trail. Frank had no choice but to stop.

"Now that you've disturbed my sleep", said the bear, "you have two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Frightened beyond belief, Frank decided to bend over.

Still sore a week later, Frank vowed revenge. Back to the cycle shop he went, where he traded in the 125 for a hot 250. Soon he was back on the mountain, heading down the trail. It wasn't long at all before he spotted the grizzly again, napping beside the trail. Feeling certain he had the necessary power this time, Frank nailed the throttle and shot ahead. But once again the bear was too quick, and again he blocked the trail. "That was a big mistake, Frank", said the bear. "But, you know the drill. Either I maul you to death or we have sex... rough sex." Fearful for his life, Frank again decided that it would be wise to comply.

This time it took weeks before Frank recovered enough to get around. But still outraged at the bear, he traded in the 250 and got the hottest 500 money could buy before heading back to the mountain. Now he could outrun the bear, and now he'd prove who was the master! And with the faster 500 under him, it took no time at all before he looked ahead and saw the huge grizzly again. Frank lowered his head, down shifted, and confidently nailed the throttle hard, rocketing ahead so quickly he was barely able to hang on. Incredibly, however, the bear was quicker still, and Frank had no choice but to come to a sliding halt in front of the bear now blocking the trail. A chill ran up his spine as he waited for the bear to speak.

"C'mon, Frank", said the bear. "Admit it. You don't come here to trail ride , do you?"

 

ROFL!! I think my printer is gonna run outta ink trying to print all these out !
That's a great collection of jokes Shadow . Gonna use some of these at work LOL!
Great stuff . LOL!!

 

I had eggs for breakfast - I'm fulla yolks !

Trains, Cycles and Horses: While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Classic Cycle Joke: A young man bought the fastest motorcycle that money could buy: a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It was the most expensive bike in the world, costing $32,150.99.

The first day he bought the new bike he took it for a spin. While doing so he stopped at a red light at the city limits. An elderly gentleman pulled up next to him on a moped. The man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek new motorcycle and asked, "What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replied, "It's a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It costs $32,150.99 out the door."

"That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this bike can go 200 mph!" exclaimed the young man.

The old fella asked, "Can I take a closer look at it?"

"Sure," replied the new owner.

From his moped, the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine. Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do. He gave it full throttle and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 199 mph.

Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed a little to see what it could be, and, suddenly, WHHHOOOSSSHHH, something whipped passed him going much faster. "What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?" the young man thought to himself. Then, just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! It went flying by him again, going in the opposite direction! It almost looked like the elderly man on the moped! How could that be, thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror!

WHHHOOOSSSHHH! KABBBLAMMM! The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the rear end of the young rider's pride and joy.

The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer. Of course the moped was crushed, and the old man was lying on the ground, pretty beat up. The young man ran over to him and asked, "Are you hurt? Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groaned and replied, "Yes, would you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"

The New Harley and Dishes: This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. They enter and the young man notices there are dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, so he makes a note to not say a word.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

Mechanic/Surgeon: A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running!”

Vacationing Flea: A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

Click to see HDSprint.jpgImportant news! Hang on to that Sprint!
It seems that recent investigations have shown that the Harley-Davidson Sprint (Aermacchi) has what many consider to be ideal dimensions for an off-road motorcycle. Investors are being sought to start manufacturing this motorcycle again to meet the demands of today's off-road enthusiast. Current plans are to put a revitalized and updated model (see attached photo) into production as well as kits to retrofit models back to 1962. (I could not find any word on the cost.) Also, plans are well under way for a 'Dakar team for 2001. 145 former employees have been located (with the aid of the Italian census bureau) and have been forced...asked to form the necessary support teams that will line the course (an estimated 243 such teams will be needed.) Negotiations are still under way to find a rider for the effort. Currently, hopes are riding (sorry for the pun) on Guiseppe Idota, a 79 year old former Aermacchi test rider who was located (after much searching) in a Florence retirement home. He seems quite eager for the opportunity. "The last 30 years are pretty fuzzy for him," said an Aermacchi spokesman "but he remembers the 1960's like it was yesterday. We think that will mean his riding skills are still sharp." I will let you know more as this exciting story develops!

Arthur Davidson in Heaven: Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is this; you can hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours...."!

Riding tips: Lafferty's secret to Enduro riding: Zero every check, never break down and the rest will fall into place.

Contrary to the popular notion, the best way to dry off a freshly washed bike is not with a 5th gear glory blast down a sudsy dark alley.

Regular maintenance is the key to reliability; irregular maintenance is the key to great exercise.

The 3-percent rule: If you want to go faster, ride with people who are 3-percent faster than you.

The other 3-percent rule: If you want to have fun, ride with people who are 3-percent slower than you.

You've got to finish to win. Of course, you've got to be fast to win too, otherwise everybody would be doing it.

There is no physical training regimen so strict that it can't be undermined by a rigorous program of deferred motorcycle maintenance.

There are old racers and there are bold racers, but there are no old, bold racers who don't walk funny.

Patience is a virtue of many racers. Unfortunately, it's also a virtue of a lot of losers.

The wise racer only pisses off the people he can beat.

The secret of successful race tuning is knowing when to start riding and stop tuning.

If you're going to pray, pray for FACTORY intervention. Divine intervention isn't much use, since the guy upstairs isn't really all that up on the proper set-up.

You can't 2 ½ a triple. At least not a second time.

Webb's first law of sportsmanship: A man never stands so tall as when he stoops to let the air out of a competitor's tire.

Never underestimate the power of good old-fashioned intimidation.

The race goes to the swift. But sometimes none of them show up, and the rest of us have a shot at it.

The more complete your on-board tool-kit, the more likely it is that all your trail riding buddies will expect you to fix everything that breaks on their bikes.

A good rider can overcome marginal equipment. However, even the best equipment can't overcome a marginal rider.

Ruts are like side-panel screws: just when you think you're in the right groove, you get cross-threaded.

To determine the proper approach velocity to a double jump, multiply the required distance in feet by the number of spectators present in the landing zone and convert to mph. Adjust to taste.

Blood in your stool is nature's way of suggesting that you rethink your spring rates.

Be a pal and offer to clean your buddy's air filter before that big Sunday ride. Full-coverage grease: the Great Equalizer.

Brain-teaser: In an off-road race, spectators typically gather around... A: safe, predictable sections that allow plenty of safe show-boating for the crowd. B: open, unmarked mine shafts.

There are places on Earth that ATV's simply won't fit. Unfortunately, ATV riders aren't aware of this.

Gravity intensifies with the installation of new levers.

You only have one chance to make a first-turn impression.

LaPorte's Law: Any restaurant that won't let you in wearing a clean FMF t-shirt doesn't deserve your patronage.

Careful maintenance and preparation is critical to making your playbike reliable enough to tow your buddy's rat bike to the truck every weekend.

Winning tuners never have "left over" parts.
Bad Weather: There's a fellow who is an avid rider. Actually he's a motorcycle fanatic. He has not missed a weekend of motorcycle riding in years. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he gets up very early and goes meets his buddies for a nice long ride. On this one morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his riding gear out of the closet, and goes out to the garage to prepare to leave. While out there it started raining a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 30 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the Weather Channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his bike back into the garage and comes back inside. He quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding his bike today?"

If Motorcycles Were Like Computers

1. For no reason whatsoever your bike would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they put new trail markings up, you would have to buy a new bike.

3. Occasionally your bike would die on an uphill for no reason, and you would accept this, restart and ride on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your bike to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a bike that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to ride, but it would only run on five percent of the trails/roads.

6. On street bikes, only one person at a time could use the bike, unless you bought "Bike95" or "BikeNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

7. The bike would say "Are you sure?" before applying the brakes.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your bike would refuse to run until you simultaneously grabbed the plug wire, held the rear valve stem, and used the kickstarter.

9. Yamaha would require all buyers to purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Topographical maps (now a Yamaha subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the bike's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Yamaha would become the target of investigation by the Justice Dept.

10. Every time Yamaha would introduce a new model, buyers would have to learn to ride all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old bike.

11. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

12. On street bikes, the speedometer and tachometer would be replaced by an icon that comes on when the bike is running.
Bear, Rabbit & Genie: There was this bear and rabbit in the woods. The bear was beating up this rabbit something fierce. He was throwing the rabbit, stomping on his head, kicking him up into the air, etc.. As they were fighting, the bear kicked over a lamp and out popped a genie. The genie said, "I will give each of you three wishes."

The bear said, "I want all bears in this forest to be female." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The bear said, "For my second wish, I want all the bears in that forest over there to be female also." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The rabbit said, "For my second wish, I want a Suzuki Hayabusa." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The bear said, "For my final wish, I want all the bears in all the forests to be female." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The rabbit, while wearing his new helmet and sitting on his new motorcycle, revved the engine and said, "For my last wish, I want that bear to be gay." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.
Designated Driver? A cop is staking out the Killarney Hotel for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?"

The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Q: What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

A: The location of the dirt bag!

Q: What's the difference between a dog on the back porch whining and your wife on the front porch whining about your motorcycle?

A: When you let them in, the dog stops whining!

Q: What do German shepherds and Harleys have in common?

A: They both like to ride in the back of trucks.

Motorcycles are better than women because....

If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

Motorcycles last longer.

Motorcycles don't have parents.

Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

Motorcycles don't mind you wearing your boots while riding.

Motorcycles don't mind you leaving them with other strange motorcycles.

If your motorcycle isn't working, you can always borrow your friend's.

Your motorcycle doesn't complain when riding in the back of the truck.

Motorcycles are recyclable and ozone friendly.

Your motorcycle still looks the same after two beers.

When you get sick of your Motorcycle, you can sell it.

Motorcycles always trust you - no matter what.

You don't mind if others love your motorcycle, too.

You don't mind if others want to ride your motorcycle.

You don't have to pay alimony/child support to your ex-motorcycle.

When you spend money on your motorcycle to improve its looks, it works.

Motorcycles don't look any different in the morning.

Your motorcycle doesn't care if you leave the seat up.

If you throw enough money at a motorcycle you can eventually fix it.

Women are better than motorcycles because....

A good woman maintains herself.

A good woman can help you get more motorcycles.

After a good ride a woman will kiss you.

A woman is easier to carry over the threshold.

Most places don't require you wear a helmet when riding a woman.

Both respond to loving attention.

A woman can love you back.

Both can leave you cold, stranded and broke.

Women can be fun in any kind of weather.

Holding on too tight to either one will cause you problems.

A good woman can pay for her own accessories.

You should be a skilled expert before attempting internal modifications to either one.

It's more dangerous to let your motorcycle take you home after a few beers.

A motorcycle can only take you to the beer, a woman can bring the beer to you.

Both come in models that may exceed your abilities.

Both can cause your heart to pound, and make you sweat and shake.

Your parents may disapprove of either.

When a woman tips over she can usually pick herself back up.

When a woman is leaking she will usually stop on her own.

Riding a motorcycle inside the house tears up the carpets.

I can't live without either one.