Love is like a pack of cards........

You need a heart to love her,

Diamonds to marry her,

A club to bash her skull in

And a spade to bury her

 

I know that this is a bit late but you may appreciate the story

It was at this time during the darkest days of christianity that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body,he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles.Speaking softly with his last gasping breath he said unto them "Don't touch my fckin easter eggs I'll be back on Monday"

Here endeth the sermon on the Mount

 

Nevermind the minority groups - that one would/will **** off the whole Christian world.
Be a good laugh for the Muslim's though
If they understand it.....

 

Also while up on the cross he called for Peter.

Peter came running only to be thrown down the hill by a Roman soldier.

Once a again he called for Peter and Peter came charging up the hill only to be hurled to the ground and tossed down the hill once more.

Finally he called for Peter desperately yelling, "Peter, Peter come here quick. There is something I need to tell you before it is to late."

With that Peter came charging up the hill with head down and blocking the guards attempts to stop him. As he made his way to the cross he wrapped his arms around it all the time being beaten by the guard. As he looked up he asked, "Yes, what is it my lord?"

The response was, "Peter, you won't believe this but, I can see your house from up here."

 

"Doctor! I think my wife is dead."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."

 

Young Jimmy is absent from school one day. On his return,his teacher asks:"We didn't see you in class yesterday - why were you absent Jimmy"?
"My daddy got burned miss " says Jimmy. Taken aback, the teacher replies, "That's a shame, Jimmy,Was he badly burnt"?
Jimmy looks at her."Well,they don't **** about at the crematorium, miss."

 

Two nuns cycling down the road & one turns to the other & says, I've never come this way before. Her mate replies, me neither, it must be the cobblestones.

 

A man goes to his doctors to pick up his wife's test results.
DOC: I'm affraid there's bad news.
MAN: What is it?
DOC: Well, we're not sure. Your wife has either Alzheimers or AIDS.
MAN: Bloody hell! Well, which one is it?
DOC: Dunno. But there is a test you can do.
MAN: Which is...?
DOC: Put her in your car and drive her out into the middle of nowhere.
MAN:Then...?
DOC: Leave her there. If she find's her way home, don't **** her.

 

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."