I was 18 and it was our last day in the Philippines. My buddies and I started drinking as soon as we hit the beach. By the time night fall hit I was obliterated and we all split up. I hooked up with a chick and we hit a hotel. I awoke the next day and realized that my ship was leaving in an hour. I had no idea where I was. I ran out of the hotel room and tried to get my bearings. I was f%^ked. Imagine me carry my clothes while drunk and looking like I just awoke from the dead. Anyhow, I took a taxi and was dropped off in a park about a mile or so away from the ship; I was out of money. I was down to the wire and saw the tugs heading for our ship. I ran full bore through the park but I somehow managed to trip and went face first into a pool of water. I gathered myself and made it to the ship just as they were raising the brow. I ignored the safety officer and ran up the brow as it was being removed. So there I was soaking wet, drunk as sh#t and looked like the dead. I got my *** chewed for the next several minutes.

Same thing about to me and a buddy in Thailand but that time we hired a speed boat driver to race us out to the ship which was just pulling anchor. Another *** chewing and we were on our way. I got another story about me, two lesbians and a roll of film but I’ll save that for another day.

 

I have a ton of drinking stories but when I type them out they sound lame, like how I almost got kicked out of BowlAmerica by the rent-a-copsfor having too much fun, or when the fire alarm went off in my friend's building in the middle of the night in winter and I poured water all over myself while shouting, "You gotta douse yourself and stop, drop, and roll!" then rolled around the apartment floor. When we went downstairs into the freezing air, some girls from another apartment asked me why I was soakedso I told them there was a fire upstairs. Then the cops and firemen showed up and I wasn't going to be around for any inquisitions so I split.

There was also the night right before the first midterm for a chemical reaction kinetics/chemical engineering design class taught by areal hardass professorso we studied our asses off for it for two days straight then the night before the exam four of my buddies said, let's study this crap for half an hour then go drink some bourbon cuz we've got this class on lockdown. This was right after I and my friend Gomer started drinking on a regular basis and had real low tolerancesso I didn't know how bad a decision this was. The next day we got to the exam and it was a freaking nightmare, and when we got out Gomer and I swore we'd never drink before another test ever. When we got the tests back, I'd gotten aC or aD and Gomer's test didn't even have a grade on it, it was so bad,so our little study group headed across the street and ordered a pitcher of beer apiece and got hammered at noontime.

 

Hey Mad...when you were in the Philippines did you ever see the local gals do any tricks with ping pong *****? I've heard stories...

 

Yes, she would bounce them off the floor into a beer glass. I also remember rolls of coins, bananas, blow darts and a snake. The coin thing was funny because she would ask you how much you wanted then give exact change. The banana thing was disgusting but an impressive display of muscle control. It involved a drunk Marine buddy. The blow darts were funny as she would pop ballons in the air. The snake entered alive and exited dead. Oh the stuff you see overseas....

 

^^^My marine cousin said they have a beer that will own you...can't remember what it was called, but he said it made him see stars...

 

We'd call it the San Miguel *****....

 

I was in college at a fraternity keg party, and I ran into my ex from 8th grade. She had blossomed quite nicely, so I started scheming on how to sleep with her. She had an ugly friend with her (not fat, just ugly).
The ex and I were talking, and things were going great... things were even looking like I might get a 3some with the ugly chick... until my ex did a keg stand. It was VERY impressive for a girl her size, and as soon as we put her legs down she was hammered. I knew that ruined any chance of me getting laid, but I offered to let her stay at my place anyway since I lived just a couple blocks away.
Her friend and I were dragging her to my house, and she was passed out before we got there. We threw her into my bed, then we started watching TV. She started making the moves on me, and I thought, "What the hell? She's ugly, but at least I'll get some." She got naked and she turned out to be one of those natural chicks... didn'tgroomthat specialpart of her body! I figured it was too late to back out, so I picked my way through the bush and went down on it... then I wore it out like it was the last vagina on earth. When we finished, I stayed on the couch and she went to sleep in my roommate's bed.
Later, he came home from the same party, and I woke up to the sound him banging the hairy ugly girl. I teased him about getting my sloppy seconds, and he called me "the strange muff diver." To this day, my college buddies still call me that.

 

^ BWHAHAHA

 

Is that Chewbaca in your shorts or are you just happy to see me? [:'(]