you guys kill me!

 

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice ****," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

 

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,
>says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies,
>"I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she
>frowned.
>
>"What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred
>dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What
>the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her
>head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant
>get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
>"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and
>two; once in a while I like to play with my money,
>three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly;
>instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
>right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime
>you want.

 

BEER vs. *****: THE PLAYOFF


1 Beer is always wet. ***** needs a little work. - One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to *****

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your
teeth, you may vomit. - One point to *****

5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one night
and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to *****

6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer.
If you eat any ***** in public, you become a legend. - One point to *****

7 If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you
smell of ***** he may buy you a beer. - One point to *****

8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER

9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much ***** and
you'll think you've seen God. - One point to *****

10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to *****

11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point
to BEER

12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can.
- One point to BEER

13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles
down. - One point to BEER

14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER

15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER

16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it -
One point to BEER


FINAL SCORE: BEER 9
***** 7

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those
feelings, let alone express them. - An extra point for BEER

 

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if ! she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
***** and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sa! rcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-law s."



W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wif! e replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight

 

2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________
Stage Name: __________________
Agent: ___________________
Attorney: ____________________
Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex:
[ ] Male
[ ] Female*
[ ] Formerly Male
[ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to
safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you
don't:
______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females:
[ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers:
[ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue
[ ]Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all ! that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your
convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you
expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should
immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then
watch your car on the news in a high- speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone company for your 911 call not going
through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an ea! rthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all
loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage
for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy
sessions per week:
________

Are you presently taking any of the following
medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*

*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more

*If less than 1 hour, please explain:
____________________.
When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on
the
freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them
to
attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit
profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out
the
window, it means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to
change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get
in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ! ahead to move out of
the way
[ ] c) Revenge

Do you read English or Spanish?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Don't know

Do you recognize and understand any road signs other
than McDonalds and Denny's?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

 

> Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods
> and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
>
> Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
> every buttercup in the patch.
>
> All of a sudden...POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
> woman appeared.
>
> She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
> those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have
> any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still,
> you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
> life...... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for
> anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF!......she was gone!
>
> After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
> "Fred, where are you?"
>
> Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows."
>
> Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
> SWING!"

 

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff

when another man

with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats

beside him. The Lab

is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking

quizzically at the

dog when the second man explains that they work for the

airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing

dog, the best

there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put

him to work."



The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says

to the first man,

"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down,

walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few

seconds. It then

returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That

woman is in

possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and

her seat number for the

police who will apprehend her on arrival.

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.



Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab

sniffs about, sits

down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat,

and places two

paws on the handler's arm.



The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so

again I'm making a

note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

Sniffer goes up and

down the plane and after a while sits down next to

someone. He then comes

racing back, jumps up onto his seat and craps a big pile.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from

a supposedly

well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's the matter

with this stupid dog?



The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

 

Bar Room Translations

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next
round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your
attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)

5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)

6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the
ride home?)

8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now.)

13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ***. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that
pretty, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here
dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you,
bitch,like the **** you are.)

15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

17. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 16 .)

21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .2 after my
last visit here.)

 

Ever wonder why Miss Piggy can not count to 100???

Because everytime she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!!!!