Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
#1
11-28-2004, 12:55 AM
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Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work.
Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold
them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
Church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little Boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again ".
work.
Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold
them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
Church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little Boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again ".
#2
11-29-2004, 01:49 AM
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RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
#3
11-29-2004, 11:24 PM
RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
Nipz~
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
Nipz~
#4
11-29-2004, 11:32 PM
RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."
Nipz~
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."
Nipz~
#5
11-30-2004, 01:07 AM
RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
Sex Problem
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I **********"
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I **********"
#6
01-24-2005, 01:51 AM
RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
A man goes to the doctor and asks, "Doc, I gotta show you something," and pulls down his pants to reveal his orange *****.
"My word!" exclaimed the doctor, "this is quite peculiar."
After a few moments of examing the orae unit, the doctor asls the man, "Does anyone else in your family have this?"
"I dont think so, " replied the man.
"Do you work with any chemicals at work?"
"No, i dont work, I'm retired." replied the man.
"Well what do you do all day?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, I sit around on the couch and watch pornos while eating Cheetos."
"My word!" exclaimed the doctor, "this is quite peculiar."
After a few moments of examing the orae unit, the doctor asls the man, "Does anyone else in your family have this?"
"I dont think so, " replied the man.
"Do you work with any chemicals at work?"
"No, i dont work, I'm retired." replied the man.
"Well what do you do all day?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, I sit around on the couch and watch pornos while eating Cheetos."
#7
01-27-2005, 03:27 AM
RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
A man driving a sports car drives under a bridge and theres a cop siting on top of the bridge with a radar gun. The cop takes off and pulls the man over for speeding.
cop "Can I see your D.L. and proof of insurance?"
the man hands it to the cop
cop "Sir is there any medical emergency to explain why your going 95 in a 50?"
man "Yes sir there is Im a doctor"
cop (in a sarcastic voice) "Well what are you a doctor of?"
man "Well Im a rectum stretcher"
cop"What the hell is a rectum stretcher"
man "Well sir, I take clients and insert an apparatus in the rectum and over the course of 2 weeks it stretches it to 1 foot. And I repeat the process untill the end up with a 6 foot *******"
cop"WHat the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?"
man "I dont know,They usuaully stick him at the end of a bridge with a f****** radar gun!"
cop "Can I see your D.L. and proof of insurance?"
the man hands it to the cop
cop "Sir is there any medical emergency to explain why your going 95 in a 50?"
man "Yes sir there is Im a doctor"
cop (in a sarcastic voice) "Well what are you a doctor of?"
man "Well Im a rectum stretcher"
cop"What the hell is a rectum stretcher"
man "Well sir, I take clients and insert an apparatus in the rectum and over the course of 2 weeks it stretches it to 1 foot. And I repeat the process untill the end up with a 6 foot *******"
cop"WHat the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?"
man "I dont know,They usuaully stick him at the end of a bridge with a f****** radar gun!"
#9
02-07-2005, 09:35 PM
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RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat that was in his way halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
~Amanda
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat that was in his way halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
~Amanda
#10
02-07-2005, 09:36 PM
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RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a
little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100% ?
If: ...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+1+18+4+ 23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11+ 14+ 15+ 23+ 12+ 5+ 4+ 7+ 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1+ 20+ 20+ 9 +20+ 21+ 4 +5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2+ 21+ 12+ 12+ 19+ 8+9 +20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there,
but bull**** will put you over the top.
And look how far *** kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G 1+ 19+ 19+ 11+ 9 +19+ 19+ 9 +14 + 7 = 118%
NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE, HUH?
~Amanda
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a
little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100% ?
If: ...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+1+18+4+ 23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11+ 14+ 15+ 23+ 12+ 5+ 4+ 7+ 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1+ 20+ 20+ 9 +20+ 21+ 4 +5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2+ 21+ 12+ 12+ 19+ 8+9 +20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there,
but bull**** will put you over the top.
And look how far *** kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G 1+ 19+ 19+ 11+ 9 +19+ 19+ 9 +14 + 7 = 118%
NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE, HUH?
~Amanda