Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
#12
02-27-2005, 06:15 PM
RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
A man and his wife are getting up in the morning to get ready for work.
The wife is getting out of the shower and the man is still in bed, and they hear the doorbell ring. So, being the man is still in bed, watching t.v., the wife, in her bath robe, still dripping water says "I'll go down to answer the door, you stay in bed." the man nods and the wife continues on to the front door. she opens the door to notice her neighbor John on her front steps. John looks the wife up and down and says "Well, hello." The wife then greets him and asks if she can help him. John says to her "Wow, you look amazing in that robe. i will give you $300 if you drop it for 10 seconds. the wife thinks about it and thinks to herself, oh what the hell, it's $300. so she drops the robe, John hands her the money and then he leaves. The wife goes back up stairs and the husband asks who it was. "It was our neighbor John" she says. The husband replies, "Did he give you the $300 he owes me?
The wife is getting out of the shower and the man is still in bed, and they hear the doorbell ring. So, being the man is still in bed, watching t.v., the wife, in her bath robe, still dripping water says "I'll go down to answer the door, you stay in bed." the man nods and the wife continues on to the front door. she opens the door to notice her neighbor John on her front steps. John looks the wife up and down and says "Well, hello." The wife then greets him and asks if she can help him. John says to her "Wow, you look amazing in that robe. i will give you $300 if you drop it for 10 seconds. the wife thinks about it and thinks to herself, oh what the hell, it's $300. so she drops the robe, John hands her the money and then he leaves. The wife goes back up stairs and the husband asks who it was. "It was our neighbor John" she says. The husband replies, "Did he give you the $300 he owes me?
#15
03-25-2005, 03:06 AM
RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
Imponerables:
If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig zag?
and finally,
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean that the fifth one enjoys it?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig zag?
and finally,
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean that the fifth one enjoys it?
#18
03-29-2005, 04:23 PM
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
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RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
Shared with us by a woman in another forum, but definitely worth sharing (other ladies, and those with children will appreciate these the most)....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf *****. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's *****."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf *****. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's *****."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
#19
04-07-2005, 02:56 PM
RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
not a joke but its funny....graphic material http://s88265598.onlinehome.us/vids/tomafalsa_peito.wmv
