Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work.

Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's

go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold
them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
Church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little Boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again ".

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"


Nipz~

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."



Nipz~

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Sex Problem
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".

Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A man goes to the doctor and asks, "Doc, I gotta show you something," and pulls down his pants to reveal his orange penis.
"My word!" exclaimed the doctor, "this is quite peculiar."
After a few moments of examing the orae unit, the doctor asls the man, "Does anyone else in your family have this?"
"I dont think so, " replied the man.
"Do you work with any chemicals at work?"
"No, i dont work, I'm retired." replied the man.
"Well what do you do all day?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, I sit around on the couch and watch pornos while eating Cheetos."

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A man driving a sports car drives under a bridge and theres a cop siting on top of the bridge with a radar gun. The cop takes off and pulls the man over for speeding.

cop "Can I see your D.L. and proof of insurance?"
the man hands it to the cop
cop "Sir is there any medical emergency to explain why your going 95 in a 50?"
man "Yes sir there is Im a doctor"
cop (in a sarcastic voice) "Well what are you a doctor of?"
man "Well Im a rectum stretcher"
cop"What the hell is a rectum stretcher"
man "Well sir, I take clients and insert an apparatus in the rectum and over the course of 2 weeks it stretches it to 1 foot. And I repeat the process untill the end up with a 6 foot asshole"
cop"WHat the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
man "I dont know,They usuaully stick him at the end of a bridge with a f****** radar gun!"

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Perfect recepy for a high speed purcuit!!!



[IMG]local://upfiles/423/319F1B5831B9428B82080F720349A6D8.jpg[/IMG]

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat that was in his way halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

~Amanda

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a
little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100% ?
If: ...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+1+18+4+ 23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11+ 14+ 15+ 23+ 12+ 5+ 4+ 7+ 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1+ 20+ 20+ 9 +20+ 21+ 4 +5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2+ 21+ 12+ 12+ 19+ 8+9 +20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there,
but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G 1+ 19+ 19+ 11+ 9 +19+ 19+ 9 +14 + 7 = 118%

NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE, HUH?

~Amanda

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

ahahahahahahahaha!

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A man and his wife are getting up in the morning to get ready for work.
The wife is getting out of the shower and the man is still in bed, and they hear the doorbell ring. So, being the man is still in bed, watching t.v., the wife, in her bath robe, still dripping water says "I'll go down to answer the door, you stay in bed." the man nods and the wife continues on to the front door. she opens the door to notice her neighbor John on her front steps. John looks the wife up and down and says "Well, hello." The wife then greets him and asks if she can help him. John says to her "Wow, you look amazing in that robe. i will give you $300 if you drop it for 10 seconds. the wife thinks about it and thinks to herself, oh what the hell, it's $300. so she drops the robe, John hands her the money and then he leaves. The wife goes back up stairs and the husband asks who it was. "It was our neighbor John" she says. The husband replies, "Did he give you the $300 he owes me?

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

smart!:D

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

what does a cue ball and a mexican have in common?

A. The harder you hit them the more english you get out of them


no offense

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Imponerables:

If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig zag?

and finally,

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean that the fifth one enjoys it?:D

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

eh...

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

That is just wrong...funny...but wrong!

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Shared with us by a woman in another forum, but definitely worth sharing (other ladies, and those with children will appreciate these the most)....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

not a joke but its funny....graphic material http://s88265598.onlinehome.us/vids/tomafalsa_peito.wmv

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

BWAHHHH HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and
coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my
foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease
into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for
staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush,
throw
my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump
into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts
like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!!"

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Whats The Difference Between LIGHT and Hard????


You can sleep with a Light on... :D:D:D

Stephen-

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A lion and a bull are sitting in a bar, drinking bear. At some point, lion’s cell phone rings. He answers the phone saying - “Oh hi honey… mhmm… oh well, I’ll come home then. Bye”. And he hangs up the phone.

Bull is looking at him not believing what he’s hearing… Bull asked him: “What? You’re going home just because your wife called?! If my wife should call, I’d tell her – no way, I’ll come home when I want and if I want!”

Lion looks at him and after couple of moments, he says: “Oh well, that’s true. But… my wife is a lioness and yours is a cow!!!”

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks... "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

A redhead walks into her doctor's office and tells him she hurts everywhere. She takes her finger and pokes her arm and yells in pain, she pokes her leg and yells again, everywhere she pokes hurts.

So the doctor takes some X-rays and comes back in and says "You're not really a redhead are you?"

"No" she says, embarrased "I'm a blonde"

Doc says "Well that explains a lot".

The woman says "What's that supposed to mean?"

The doctor says "You've got a broken finger".

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

ahahahahahahaha!

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

hahaha....very funny fitz...:D

Puff the Magic Dragon (NWS-ish)
 

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey. They have a few joints. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and decided to go get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned he leans too far over and falls into the river.
An alligator swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains that he was smoking a joint with a monkey in the tree, got stoned, and fell into the river while getting a drink of water.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is finishing another joint, looks up and says, "Hey, you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "SSSShhhhiiiitttt dude. . . How much water did you drink?"

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

THAT LIZARD JOKE IS AWESOME!!!:D

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

LMFOA!!! I love it! Im going to tell it to everyone that i see!

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

While in Catholic school the teacher asked the students what part of them went to Heaven first.
One little girl said " Our hands! Because we get on our knees to pray and we lift up our hands."
Very good the teacher said. Little Johnny jumped up and said " I think we go feet first."
The teacher looking puzzled, and asked Johnny why he thought we went feet first. Johnny said" Last night my father had to hold my mother down because she was yelling, with her feet in the air "I'm coming, Oh God I'm coming", and if it wasn't for my Dad holding her down he would have got her too.

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

too funny! :D

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

((((RING))))

**Phone Pick Up**

Hello?

Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?

No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.

After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul.

Oh, yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.

Brief Pause...

Uh, okay then...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table; run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

Okay, Daddy, just a minute.

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

I did it, Daddy.

And what happened, honey? he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!

Oh, my God! !!! What about your Uncle Paul?

He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

**Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, Swimming pool??... Is this 555-5731?

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

OUTSTANDING!!!! That was hilarious!

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

All 3 were tight but the lizard one tops them all.

The Wisconsin Joke
 

Ok, I dunno how this one will translate on paper, but here goes (this is my all time favorite joke to tell, and must be done so with much drama and animation).

*ahem*

So there's this pond.... and over the pond is this fly, buzzing around. Well, little does the fly know that below him in the pond, there's a trout. And the trout is thinking, "if only that flhy would fly a little bit lower, I could jump up and eat him."

Well... little did the trout know that behind him, at the edge of the pond, there was a bear. And the bear was thinking, "If only that fly would fly a little bit lower, the trout could jump up and get the fly and I could eat the trout!!"

Well... little did the bear know that behind him, in the woods there was a bear hunter. And the bear hunter was thinking, "If only that fly would fly a little bit lower, the trout could eat the fly, the bear could eat the trout, and I could shoot the bear and kill him."

Well.... little did the bear hunter know that behind him, there was a mouse! And the mouse was thinking, "If only that fly would fly a little bit lower, the trout could eat the fly, the bear would eat the trout, the bear hunter could shoot the bear, and I could eat the bear hunter's cheese sandwich."

Well... little did the mouse know that behind him, there was a cat. And the cat was thinking, "If only that fly would fly a little bit lower, the trout could eat the fly, the bear could eat the trout, the bear hunter could shoot the bear, the mouse could eat the bear hunter's cheese sandwich, and I could POUNCE on the mouse, and eat him!"



WELL..... do you know what happened?


..


...


....


.....


That fly flew a little bit lower.
The trout ate the fly.
The beat caught the trout.
The bear hunter shot the bear.
The mouse got the bear hunter's cheese sandwich.
And the cat pounced on the mouse...... and fell in the pond.

And do you know what the moral of the story is?


(get ready)

---


---


---


---


The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.

RE: The Wisconsin Joke
 

hahaha! I've never heard the ending that you've used in that joke. The way I heard it was, the moral of the story: If the fly drop 3 inches, pussy gets wet. hahaha

RE: Post your best joke thread....may not be safe for work.
 

Three people just died and they go up to heaven. One is an italian, a jew, and a gay guy. They go up to god and he says: "Ok I'll give you guys one more chance, but the only you cannot do is what you love the most. All three men agreed, and in an instand, they were walking down the street. As all three men were walking down the street, the italian man spots an italian restauraunt. With his mouth watering, he couldn't resist. He ran into the restaurant and ate a full meal of spagetti. And in an instant.....poof! The man was gone. The two other men continued walking down the street, and the jew spots a penny on the sidewalk. Without hesitation he bends over and picks the penny up.............poof.......poof.

RE: The Wisconsin Joke
 

That's so funny!! I just had someone else tell me they'd heard it with the fly dropping 6 inches.... LMAO!

RE: The Wisconsin Joke
 

;) I knew you would have heard of that! As you said, its definately a better joke in person.