Ahh I wonder what he's doing nowadays...

 

Not enough jokes going on!

Q. Why do pedophiles love Halloween so much?

A. Free Delivery

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went camping in the woods. It had gotten dark and they caught a rabbit in a snare. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom so she sidles in to the woods. The brunette and redhead feel like playing a joke, so they gut the rabbit and sneak in the woods, setting the guts under the squatting blonde. They sneak back to camp and after about 10 minutes the blonde comes back with mussed up hair and wide eyes. They ask what is wrong and gasping, the blonde says, "I was pooping in the woods, and I pooped so hard my guts came out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I got em back in!"

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Man says to Stevie Wonder, "What's it like being blind?"
Says Stevie, "It's better than being black!"

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This couple had been married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device.. a vibrator... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard!", she screamed, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids.

 

An elderly gentleman goes into a jewellery store with a smoking hot 20 year old on a Friday evening. He walks up to the counter and explains that he would like to a buy a ring for the girl on his arm. the jeweller shows him a very nice ring at the cost of $8,000. The man says no no, money is no object my good man. So the jeweller goes into the back and brings out a locked box. He unlocks and show the man a ring, as the girl on his arm is gasping for air, the jeweller says " this our most prize ring, but it cost $50,000. the girl almost faints when the old man says he'll take it. He then goes onto say" I will be paying for this by check. I know you will need to check my bank account before I can pick up the ring, but I will back on Monday to get it...... Monday rolls around and the old man receives a phone call from the jeweller. "there are insuffienct funds in that account sir "The old replys, "well of course there is, But let me tell you about my weekend."

 

kinda old, but funny

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying. "Why are you crying?" he asks. "I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying. "Why are you crying?" he asks. "I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying. "Why are you crying?" he asks. "I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water. "There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'

 

...you miss him.......

 

A girl gets into her boyfriends car looking sad. He asks caringly, "Honey, whats wrong?" She lets out a sob and looks over at her boyfriend. She answers, "My mom says I cant see you anymore." "Why not?" he asks. "She says you're a pedophile answers the girlfriend. "Pedophile?" says the boyfriend "That's a big word for a seven year old!"

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A nurse is giving a female coma patient her daily sponge bath. As she cleans the patient's private area, she's surprised to see a few faint blips on the woman's brain-activity monitor.

The nurse rubs the sponge a more vigorously against the comatose woman's privates, and is rewarded with stronger blips on the monitor.

Excited, the nurse calls the patient's husband, who rushes down to the hospital. The nurse explains, "When I touched your wife's privates with the sponge, she showed a reaction on the monitor! The harder I rubbed, the more she reacted. As her husband, perhaps if you could help, we might even get her to awaken from her coma!"

"This is fantastic!" says the husband. "I'd do anything to help wake up my wife! What should I do?"

Blushing, the nurse suggests, "Well, perhaps some oral sex...?" The husband agrees, so the nurse leaves the room to allow the couple some privacy. She goes to the nurses' station, and eagerly watches the woman's vitals on the monitor, hoping to see signs of her awakening.

Suddenly, the woman's heart monitor flat-lines. Shocked, the nurse runs into the patient's room, screaming, "Oh my god! What happened?!?"

The husband gets off the bed, does up his pants and says, "Crap. I think she choked."

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Two old ladies are outside of the nursing home smoking when it starts to rain. One of the old lady pulls a condom out of her pocket, cuts the tip off and puts it over the cigarette. The other old lady asks "What's that for" and the other replies "keeps the cigarette dry".

The next day the second old lady is at the pharmacy buying cigarettes and remembers the trick the first old lady used to keep her cigarette dry in the rain.

Old lady: "Oh also I'd like a package of condoms"

Pharmacist jokingly: "Oh really (hehehe). What size would you like?"

Old lady: "I don't care... as long as they'll fit on a Camel."

 

Hoshino...... you got some funnyazz jokes.. keep em coming..

My father said to me,’Son you are not a real man until you have made a girl gag on your **** while she is giving you head.’

Which is why I haven’t washed mine for nine months.


A little girl is talking to her mom and says, "mommy, the little boy next door has a ***** like a peanut." The mother laughs and asks, "why is that? Is it reay tiny?" The daughter says, "no,cuz it’s reallysalty...."

 

Not really a joke so much as just a true statement.

You know your a Harley rider if:

If your bike leans further on it’s sidestand than it does on the highway.

If you are left in awe by the mechanical advantage of a doorknob

If your bike cost more than your house and has fewer wheels.

If the output decibel number of your exhaust exceeds your horsepower output number.

If you have ever blown your suspensionin your seat.

If you get blown away by a moped.

If you are unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.

If you don’t wave to sportbike riders cause you don’t want to drop your tools.

If you confuse the word "character" with the more accurate term "engineering flaws".

If you think running the 1/4 mile in mid 15’s is really, really fast

If "water cooled" means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a wrecker.

 

Two male bison, a father and son, are walking across the prarie when they spot a herd of female bison. The younger one says "hey pops, lets run over there and f@*# us a female !" The older bison replies "no, son, lets walk over and f@*# them all".

 

The Little Rascals are in school one day, and the teacher asks them the think of a word that starts with the letter D, and use it in a sentence.

Darla raises her hand, "Dedicate...I dedicate my love to Alfalfa".

"Very good", the teacher says.

Alfalfa raises his hand next, "Devote...I devote my love to Darla".

Again, the teacher is very pleased.

Buckwheat is at his desk just fit to be tied with exitement, "Dictate...Darla say my dictate good."