the joke thread.
#31
10-14-2008 | 12:03 PM
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 5,844
Likes: 1
From: South Texas
RE: the joke thread.
What do you call a bunch of Mexicans on a roof? Chingos!
What do you call a white lady with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
What do you call a Mexican lady with one leg shorter than the other? Not even!
Did you guys hear the news? A tornado hit in Mexico and one house was destroyed; hundreds were killed.
What do you call a white lady with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
What do you call a Mexican lady with one leg shorter than the other? Not even!
Did you guys hear the news? A tornado hit in Mexico and one house was destroyed; hundreds were killed.
#32
10-14-2008 | 12:17 PM
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 351
Likes: 1
From: Old Hickory, Tennessee
RE: the joke thread.
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!â€
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
-
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
Way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
Awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
Only fair given that you are blind that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
-
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess . The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams to her brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an *******!"
And now the best one.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
-
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
Way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
Awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
Only fair given that you are blind that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
-
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess . The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams to her brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an *******!"
And now the best one.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
#33
10-14-2008 | 12:32 PM
Retired Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 7,524
Likes: 0
From: Fort Awesome
RE: the joke thread.
A leper goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, who is busily drying glasses turns around, sees him, and throws up. After the bartender collects himself, he turns around again, and throws up again. This happens a few more times until the leper says, "If my appearance bothers you so much, I will just leave".
The bartender apologetically explains, "It's not you...it's the blind guy next to you. He keeps dipping his chips into your neck!"
The bartender apologetically explains, "It's not you...it's the blind guy next to you. He keeps dipping his chips into your neck!"
#34
10-14-2008 | 01:05 PM
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 624
Likes: 0
From: Central Wisconsin
#35
10-14-2008 | 01:09 PM
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 351
Likes: 1
From: Old Hickory, Tennessee
RE: the joke thread.
Three cowboys make camp for the night on the prairie. As night falls, they begin sipping whiskey and telling tall tales of bravado.
The first cowboy says, "I tell you what, I'm the toughest sumbitch there is. This one time I was out driving cattle, and stopped off at the river for a drink. Now I didn't see it, but a 10 foot water moccasin jumped out and locked onto my arm and started pumping venom into me. Know what I did? I grabbed that sumbitch, pulled him off my arm, bit his head off, and cooked the rest of him for supper. Slept like a baby that night, I did."
The second cowboy , not to be outdone, says, "Hell that ain't nuthin. This one time I was ridin' rodeo, on the meanest dagum bull alive. He was 8 foot at the shoulder, weighed 2000 pound. I stayed on for the full 8, hopped off, and when that sumbitch swung around to get a gore on me, I punched him right in the head and knocked him out."
Listening to all of this, the third cowboy remained silent, quietly stoking the campfire coals with his *****.
-
This one isn't really a joke, but it makes me laugh.
The Journey of a Man: When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In College I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big ****.
-
A zoo recently got its first gorilla, a female. The gorilla takes to the new zoo quickly and she's a big hit, but all of a sudden, the gorilla starts acting up. The zoo keepers figure out the gorilla's been acting up because she is in heat. Unfortunately there are no other gorillas for her to ****, so they decide to offer the one of the black janitors $600 and get him to **** it.
The black janitor agrees to **** the gorilla under 3 conditions
1. no kissing
2. the zoo can't tell anyone he ****ed the gorilla
3. he'll need a couple more weeks to come up with the $600
-
A Jew, an Italian, and a Greek all die on the same day. They all meet up in Heaven and St. Peter greets them warmly. St. Peter looks at his log and discovers that not a one of them were meant to die yet. Somewhat embarresed, St. Peter sends all three back to Earth with the only caveat being they give up their favorite thing.
Back on Earth, the three suddenly appear and are walking down a street. Nearby they see a pizzeria. The Italian just can't resist and runs over and buys a slice of pizza and takes a big bite out of it. 'POOF' he disappears. Both the greek and the jew are startled. But they continue walking down the street. Suddenly the jew notices a quarter laying on the street in front of him. The jew bends over to grab the quarter: and 'POOF', they both disappear!
The first cowboy says, "I tell you what, I'm the toughest sumbitch there is. This one time I was out driving cattle, and stopped off at the river for a drink. Now I didn't see it, but a 10 foot water moccasin jumped out and locked onto my arm and started pumping venom into me. Know what I did? I grabbed that sumbitch, pulled him off my arm, bit his head off, and cooked the rest of him for supper. Slept like a baby that night, I did."
The second cowboy , not to be outdone, says, "Hell that ain't nuthin. This one time I was ridin' rodeo, on the meanest dagum bull alive. He was 8 foot at the shoulder, weighed 2000 pound. I stayed on for the full 8, hopped off, and when that sumbitch swung around to get a gore on me, I punched him right in the head and knocked him out."
Listening to all of this, the third cowboy remained silent, quietly stoking the campfire coals with his *****.
-
This one isn't really a joke, but it makes me laugh.
The Journey of a Man: When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In College I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big ****.
-
A zoo recently got its first gorilla, a female. The gorilla takes to the new zoo quickly and she's a big hit, but all of a sudden, the gorilla starts acting up. The zoo keepers figure out the gorilla's been acting up because she is in heat. Unfortunately there are no other gorillas for her to ****, so they decide to offer the one of the black janitors $600 and get him to **** it.
The black janitor agrees to **** the gorilla under 3 conditions
1. no kissing
2. the zoo can't tell anyone he ****ed the gorilla
3. he'll need a couple more weeks to come up with the $600
-
A Jew, an Italian, and a Greek all die on the same day. They all meet up in Heaven and St. Peter greets them warmly. St. Peter looks at his log and discovers that not a one of them were meant to die yet. Somewhat embarresed, St. Peter sends all three back to Earth with the only caveat being they give up their favorite thing.
Back on Earth, the three suddenly appear and are walking down a street. Nearby they see a pizzeria. The Italian just can't resist and runs over and buys a slice of pizza and takes a big bite out of it. 'POOF' he disappears. Both the greek and the jew are startled. But they continue walking down the street. Suddenly the jew notices a quarter laying on the street in front of him. The jew bends over to grab the quarter: and 'POOF', they both disappear!
#37
10-14-2008 | 02:09 PM
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,882
Likes: 0
From: Land of ESPN
RE: the joke thread.
ORIGINAL: rrasco
What do you call a white lady with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
What do you call a white lady with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
Irene
[hr]
Let's see if this one flies...it's a little dirty, but pretty funny...
[hr]
This guy is banging his wife, and he's about to finish when he says to her..."Is it cool if I *** in your ear?"
To which she replies, "Hell no, then I'll probably go deaf!"
So he says, "Well, I know THAT'S bull ****, since everytime I *** in your mouth you never shut the **** up!!!"
#38
10-14-2008 | 02:20 PM
Banned
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,797
Likes: 0
From: Pittsburgh, PA
#39
10-14-2008 | 02:24 PM
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 5,844
Likes: 1
From: South Texas
RE: the joke thread.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Slap her and tell her to get back to work.
[hr]
Why did the woman cross the road?
It doesnt matter, what is she doing out of the kitchen?
[hr]
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
Slap her and tell her to get back to work.
[hr]
Why did the woman cross the road?
It doesnt matter, what is she doing out of the kitchen?
[hr]
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
