lol. thats funny. Innocence at its best.. very good post shadow.

A divorced man meats his ex wifes new husband at a party. He has a few drinks and begins to get cocky. " so, how do you like left over used stuff " he says with big grin on his face. The new husband just smiles and says... " awe, its not that bad... its all new past the firstthree inches.."

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against thedoor-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon …… "Hands off' she said,"'they're for the funeral."
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Q. What did the mexican firefighter name his two kids?
A. HoseA and HoseB

Q. What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A. Pump kin.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Q. Why did Helen Keller only ********** with one hand?
A. So she could moan with the other.

 

*****....I actually printed this out (20 pages) and spent nearly an hour reading the whole thing. SO worth it, I can't stop laughing!!!

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.


What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?

100 people who don't do dick.


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs...


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.


What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?

A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... "a recipe".


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this stuff..."


Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides


What does a spanish firefighter name his twin sons?

Hose A and Hose B(jose, jose B)


how do you start a parade in mexico?
you start a parade in mexico by rolling a quarter down the street
how do you find the richest man in mexico
whoever picks up that quarter


what do you call a bunch of whites running down a hill?
avalanche
what do you calla bunch of blacks running down the hill?
mudslide
what do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill?
jail break


Why are there no mexicans in the olympics???

all of the ones that can run jump or swim are already over here.


What do you call a Bouncer at a Gay Bar???

A Flame Thrower


Why did it take the Germans 9 days to invade France????

It was raining


How many gays can you put on a barstool?
4 if you turn it upside down

 

I already told the firefighter joke. It's not good enough to repeat, sir.

-

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker!'

-

Touring Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. Cruising the campground in the Pope-mobile, he witnessed a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" t-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

The horrified Pope watched, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the Bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from underneath the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It's the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting... By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"

 

90% of people who drive into ditches say, "Oh ****!" The other 10% live in Texas and say, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

[hr]Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

 

What did the Mexican dude say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes!"