Awesome Joke
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Awesome Joke
Kinda long, just a fair warning... but its worth it.
Ok, so its not quite a joke, but its a true story hahaha youll love it.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..... WAY TOO COOL!
Long Story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad, with only two triple-a batteries, right?!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little sould) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground lika a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while Im looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in curcumference; (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries,) thinking to myself, "no possible way"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but Ill do my best......
Im sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "dont do it bud!". Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldnt hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the bu HOLY MOTHER WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!@$$!%@*!!!
Im pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, DO IT AGAIN!!!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from you hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A t
Ok, so its not quite a joke, but its a true story hahaha youll love it.
Only A Guy Would Do This
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife! 
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..... WAY TOO COOL!
Long Story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad, with only two triple-a batteries, right?!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little sould) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground lika a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while Im looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in curcumference; (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries,) thinking to myself, "no possible way"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but Ill do my best......
Im sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "dont do it bud!". Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldnt hurt all that bad... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the bu HOLY MOTHER WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!@$$!%@*!!!
Im pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, DO IT AGAIN!!!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from you hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A t
RE: Awesome Joke
Well Tommy, I must say that I have yet gone through another very rough day today, and with little smiles to go around, found myself laughing pretty good at that. Thanks for the time it took to type.
LJ
LJ
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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 6,908
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From: Conyers, GA
RE: Awesome Joke
My older brother and I did something similarly stupid. We were testing the range on some sort of defensive spray. I wish I could say we were just kids at the time ... but alas we were adults. So we conclude from our experiment that :
1) the spray will trave over 10 feet
2) a slight breeze can waft the product back to you
3) you'd better kill me because if you spray me and leave me alive I will eventually find and kill you!!
That is nasty stuff[:@]
1) the spray will trave over 10 feet
2) a slight breeze can waft the product back to you
3) you'd better kill me because if you spray me and leave me alive I will eventually find and kill you!!
That is nasty stuff[:@]
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 94
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From:
RE: Awesome Joke
If anyone else doubts the use of Tazer action, Pepper spray, tear gas or other non-lethal weapons which will make your cahones dissappear - Just call around to a few of your local police stations and see if they would like a TEST DUMMY under the highest supervision... cameras and all for future historical data!
You'll have to sign a few documents for legality sake... Those with pace makers and whatnot are encouraged to NOT apply!
Very good story, but you should've zapped the cat!
You'll have to sign a few documents for legality sake... Those with pace makers and whatnot are encouraged to NOT apply!
Very good story, but you should've zapped the cat!
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 437
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From: Guthrie, Oklahoma
RE: Awesome Joke
I've got a similar story. My buddy got a shock collar for his dog that was digging holes( cruel I know). I told him how sick I was of people buying these things to be cruel to dogs. I asked him if it hurt he didnt know. SO HE PUT THE COLLAR ON. and insulting my integrity, he wouldn't give me the remote. That would have been great. but he decided he could hold the remote to shock himself. and like you said it causes muscle spasms. I almost got dehydrated from crying so hard he was shaking so bad I had to take the remote. oh and he's an electrician
Joined: Apr 2006
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RE: Awesome Joke
LOL .. Oh god, now thats great...
Of course back in the day living with the parents whom had a farm we had cattle.. and of course with bulls come cattle prods.. Those sukers hurt I tell ya..
One night of drinking with buddys lead to a cattle prod war ... talk about a jolt, those things knock ya down in 1/2 seconds...
lol .. great story, thanks for the memories
Of course back in the day living with the parents whom had a farm we had cattle.. and of course with bulls come cattle prods.. Those sukers hurt I tell ya..
One night of drinking with buddys lead to a cattle prod war ... talk about a jolt, those things knock ya down in 1/2 seconds...
lol .. great story, thanks for the memories
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 174
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RE: Awesome Joke
Hahaha nice story. Passed some time on this boring day.
We've done the Mace in the Face thing. We all pitched in $5 for a friend to get sprayed directly in the face with a long spray of Mace. $120 later, we all watched him take it in the face. EVERYONE THAT WAS THERE was coughing like crazy, rinsing our eyes forever, and washing our mouths out. That stuff is NUTS.
I feel sorry for the girl that tries to use that stuff to fend off an attacker. She'll fall down next to the guy and get messed with anyway.
We've done the Mace in the Face thing. We all pitched in $5 for a friend to get sprayed directly in the face with a long spray of Mace. $120 later, we all watched him take it in the face. EVERYONE THAT WAS THERE was coughing like crazy, rinsing our eyes forever, and washing our mouths out. That stuff is NUTS.
I feel sorry for the girl that tries to use that stuff to fend off an attacker. She'll fall down next to the guy and get messed with anyway.
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