Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over
on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards,she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

'Strewth' Bruce said trying to pull her up, 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.'




They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.'Plan B?' exclaimed
Bruce. 'What's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.

'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her t*ts.'

'Play with her t*ts?' Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate.'

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her lubed up enough, we can slideher into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive.'

 

HA! REALLY laughing at that one.

 

In a galaxy far far away! Thanks, I needed that.

 

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ***, and would fight at he drop of a hat.The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

 

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'


'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'


'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition? '

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her
with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'



SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!

 

Do you know why?



When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.


Ever wonder why?





Because she smells like a new truck!

 

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

 

gag.

 

Awe **** that one got me laughing my azz off.........LOL

 

One day a woman is sitting at home when her husband's friend knocks on the door. "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you like."
So they sit down and after a bit of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and the guy says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them for a couple seconds."
Sara, amazed by the offer, decides "heck, why not?"
So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store and the wife says, "You know, your friend Chris came over earlier."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"