A lot of bar jokes I collected.


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey pal, why the long face?"

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve rope here." The rope walks out, ties himself in a half hitch, frays his ends and goes back in. "I told you, we don't serve rope here." "Nope, frayed knot."

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"

Two jews walk into a bar. They own it!

Two blondes walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

A carrot and a hamburger walk into a bar. The bartender tells them "We don't serve food here."

A man walks into a bar and says "Damn that hurt!"

A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A pirate with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper walks into a bar. The bartender says "What's that steering wheel doing sticking out of your fly?" "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."


This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar and asks "What's the quickest way to get to the next town over?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the bartender. "Driving," he answers. "That's the quickest way," says the bartender.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "you!!?? No Way! You get too violent when you drink.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted

A ghost goes into a bar. The bartender told him, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve spirits here..."

A woman walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says ".....

A mushroom walks into a bar. The Bartender says "we don't serve your kind here". The Mushroom replies "Why not, I'm a fungi"?

A blind guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I've got a great blond joke for you!"

The bartender says, "Just a minute there, buddy. There's something you should know. I'm blond. The guy sitting on your left is a Marine drill sergeant, and he's blond. The guy on your right is a heavyweight boxer, and he's blond. Now do you still want to tell that joke?"

And the blind guy says, "Well, no, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times!"

So a dung beetle walks into a bar, and pulls up a stool.........

 

A few variations, but I have heard them all, except ours start with "this....walks into a pub"
Good to know wot you do on your days off...........

 

Fat woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says "Hey, where'd you get that pig?"

Woman says, "It's not a pig, it's a DUCK!"

Bartender replies, "I was talking to the duck."

 

A man spent all night drinking at the bar
when the bartender told him it was closing time he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face
thinking that maybe some fresh air will help him sober up, he pulls his body outside
and attempts to stand up again, but same result, falls flat on his face
luckily, the bar is a few blocks from his house so he pulls his body across the ground all the way home.
when he gets home he tries standing up again, but once again falls on his face
he slides upstairs and climbs in bed with his wife
in the morning he wakes up to his wife questioning him
Wife - "Did you go get drunk at the bar last night?"
Man - "Yes, how did u know?"
Wife - "You left you wheelchair at the bar again!"