So I’m not one to make bloggish posts, and I rarely ever start a thread, but my life has been flipped upside down in the last couple days, and something's I need to get out.

So When I was 17-years-old (I'm now 26) I met a girl at a "rave" party, she was from Mass., I'm from Maine. We saw each other only on the weekends, only parties, and generally only all ****ed up on drugs. Anyway, we talked on the phone for a while, I went down to visit her and she came to visit me, and before I knew it I was in a long distance relationship. Fast forward 2 months later, still generally ****ed up on drugs, parting all the time, she wanted to move out from her home, and move up to Maine. This made me happy at the time; I thought it a good idea. She moved up, we got an apartment, and we partied like it was 1999, because it was.)

Anyway, after about 6 months, I got those words that every 18-year-old man looovvveesss to hear. "I'm pregnant". !!! Ummm..What? Anyway, that was a sobering reminder that I was pissing my life away, so I quit just about everything, parties, drugs... I got a job and did what I felt was right.

Fast forward, 6 years and another child later, I decide I need to stay the course, do the right thing, and marry her. She was all I knew, and I thought I was happy. I mean I must have been happy, everyone told me how great she was, how could I not be happy. And the kids...oh the kids, the light of my life...How could I not be happy....

But I wasn't. Ever since the end of the first 6 months, our relationship that had been fueled on partying and getting high, dissolved into a systematic courtship with the sole purpose of "doing the right thing", which I thought was staying together. The whole time though, in the back of my mind I knew I did not love this girl, I resented her for "making" me want to stay with her, so in turn I lashed out by being neglectful, always hanging out with my friends, and never, ever doing anything with her and only her. I treated her like **** for 5+ years, and all she could do is try to change to make me happy, and every time she did I would find something else that I could use against her to keep her spirits down, because after all, if I'm not happy why should she be?

So After weeks, months, years of soul-searching, listening to Damien Rice and taking lonely rides on the CBR, I decided what I must do, and Monday night I told her I was leaving her. I didn't want to hurt her, but I broke her heart. It was, it is, and it will continue to be the hardest thing I have ever done, and I hope to never have to do it again. How do you tell someone who is madly in love with you that you no longer have feelings for her? I mean I did it as respectfully, as dignified as possible, but it still cut like a rusty knife. Her tears spawn some of my own, I could see her pain, but I couldn't feel her love. I destroyed this person who stood by me through thick and thin, whom I had sworn my life to less than 1 year ago, someone who changed her whole life for me, and I destroyed her spirit, she may never recover.

So anyway, I guess I don't expect anyone to read all that, I just needed to get it out. It's such a hard thing to talk to people about, because I am a "tough-guy" and I don't want to break down in tears in front of people. I do not regret my decision, I will miss her, but I know it's for the best for both of us and the kids, she deserves so much better than what I was giving her, and I don’t think I was capable of showing her that kind of love.....So now in my nomadic state, I wander.....

 

The thing you may want to figure out is were you the abuser because of your and her dynamics or is it just your basic nature. After that is known, you can look to the next step in your life. Figure out the kind of man you want to be and work towards it.

Good luck with everything, it sounds like you are figuring it all out.

 

that sucks. and i understand how hard it was to tell someone something like that. but what i have seen is once u leave somethin so good ur gonna find urself wit somethin so ****ty. not gonna say u made a mistake but u cant expect more from a ****ty female because u left that good one. hope u find what u were lookin for. sorry to hear bout that

 

Wow....very well thought outletter.

All I can say is this...I have been there. At age 26 I did the same thing. My situation was a little reversed than yours but ironically it started in Maine. I was stationed there at the time.
Six years, and 3 children later I finally asked for a divorce after years of begging her to stay. It was, and continues to be the hardest choice I have made. Not the divorce, but leaving my children.

15 years later....I still cannot hold a civil conversation with the "ex-monster", but I have a wonderful relationship with my children. My boys are out of high school (ones in college)and my daughter lives with me as of this summer.

My best advice, if you want it? My dad told me years ago.."give it two weeks" - meaning as hard as it gets, just give it two weeks and re-evaluate your situation. There will be times when it becomes easier and times when you feel like you will break.

Just remember...your children will always need their dad.

My two cents.

 

I'm not an attorney, I'll just play one on this forum...

Dude, edit/delete this posting -- QUICK. The last thing you need is this printed out and dropped in your lap during divorce proceedings.




JP, I sent you a PM

 

I really like to think that the reason I was so hard on her, so cynical and so neglectful, was related to my unhappiness. I wasn't always this way. I mean I really want to be with someone that I enjoy spending time with that I enjoy going out to dinner with or kissing at the movies. These things I never did with my wife, I was almost embarrassed I was with her, not because of looks, because she is a beautiful lady, but I think I was afraid people would see us for what we really were, companions pretending to be lovers.

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to hold a civil conversation with her. I truly want her to be happy, and although I can see her miserable now, I think she is destine to find someone who loves her in the future, I just hope she doesn’t grow so bitter to me that we cannot be "friends" in the future. I have spent my whole adult life with her, and she has made me who I am, the good and the bad, and I owe her for the good. I just hope she can see how wrong we were for each other and move on...

She is not talking about moving back to Mass. with the kids, I am not sure. On the one hand it's a much better area, much nicer house, schools, and all around quality of life for them, but I can't stand the thought of not seeing them every day. I can't stand not taking my son out on his dirt bike every weekend or my daughter giving me kisses before work. I want to fight the move, but again I want to make this as "clean": as possible, and I fear if I get a lawyer she might retaliate and turn it into something it doesn't need to be. I guess I will take the 2 weeks myself, and perhaps give her the 2 weeks to settle down. I think her decisions are based on pure emotion, whereas I have had the benefit of thinking my position through.... Anyway I appreciate the input guys, as you all seem to know it’s pretty tough, having un-biased viewpoints to reference really helps to put everything together

 

I didn't get a PM....

I'm not afraid of this being used in court if it gets that far, I never cheated on her or anything, is anything I said that bad? Or is it I just have to try and pretend I'm not "at fault"?....

 

Guys almost always get the short end of the stick when it comes to custody, child support, dividing assets, alimony, etc. I just wouldn't leave this out there in writing is all I'm saying. I've seen too many of my friends/relatives/co-workers get screwed.

 

But leave what is all I'm saying? An admitance of fault, is that what you are reffering to?

 

I would sure hate to defend abuse claims with this message readily available. It is sort of like an admission of guilt...can be very costly.